Spring is most definitely here...and I have without
thought placed it's
thongs between my toes. My that feels nice. Here's
and idea of what
Easter was like with the Olson's :) I have a new
digital peeps, so bear
with me.

Momma made me laugh...


I baby sat two sleeping children for two hours this
afternoon, I enjoyed
that. I read some shorts written by flannery
o'connor by whom I am
continually impressed. I've decided to start reading
a loud to myself,
so as to develop better skills in the area...and
maybe learn to "speech"
a more good. I still am clinging to the prophetic
insight Elise passed
onto me...:) I was talking to them (she and her
husband Isaiah) one
night about the struggles I have communicating
verbally what I'm
thinking. (I think I was being eloquent though,
because I was
comfortable.) Anyhoo...she stopped me in mid
sentence and was like
"Johanna I just got this wonderful mind picture of
me, you, Isaiah, and
another guy who was looking at you adoringly as you
spoke." I shrugged
it off with uncomfortable giggles at the time, and
changed the subject.
The memory has stuck with me though...

Whatever, I know Jesus hears me and adores even the
lousy language that
comes out of my mouth at times...because he likes me
in my entirety. But
saying that outloud sounds as cheesy as me saying
that I am content to
have no fool look at me with adoration in his eyes.

I have been given a cut deal on a copy of Over The
Rhine's latest,
signed and sealed with love. Plus I get to see
Sufjan Stevens on
Friday...since Sarah Marie couldn't make the trek
down to enjoy his
sweetness with me, I might just have to make him an
offer of
marriage...or at least buy something off his merch
table. What else???

Well I've been thinking about habits since I have a
few to replace with
others that are not deemed so disgusting to myself.
I wonder if it's not
so much a love for what is unproductive that keeps
me in the turning
cycles...but maybe a hope that if I stay put the
things I experienced
when first placed in the spot will return. For
instance I was thinking
about my habit of sleeplessness, which is a hard one
to break seeing how
it seems like something I can't control. I traced
the beginnings of it
back to late summer nights with a dear friend, the
laughing moments that
lasted until early morning hours...and I think
somehow that's what I'm
hoping will return when I lay in bed thinking about
how much time I
wasted during the day. I don't know...that might be
a little crazy, but
somehow it seemed to make sense to me. Moral?

No bling bling until the ring ring.


**Edit**


Kerry told me to listen to these guys...The Arcade
Fire

http://mergerecords.com/band.php?media=true&band_id=98>
...I like...you
should listen. The new Over The Rhine cd is salve
on the angst of my
spirit. I would like to buy everyone of you a copy,
but will probably
not...so go to Full Circle and pick one up
dol-garnit!

I ate a piece of Coconut Cream Pie for breakfast
yesterday morning. Then
off to work I went...around 2pm I had a terrible
headache, I asked my
Fred if I could run out and get something
substantial to eat. I got a
spinach wrap, ate it and felt slightly
better...around 3pm...the
headache worsened. I figured out what it was...I had
my hair pulled
halfway back with a ponytail holder. I hacked all my
hair off the spring
before I turned 14, I was tired of the nickname
"Mufasa", given to me by
popular male peers. So I went punk pixie...and have
kept it pretty short
since then. Only recently have I discovered a hair
dresser that likes my
hair enough to cut it the way I like...and on my own
learned little
tricks on how to manage my thick and naturally curly
locks. (hardcore
german roots) So I've been growing it out...the
pangs of having long
hair all came back to me rather quick yesterday when
I untangled the
little elastic, and let my scalp throb. I actually
felt like a huge
wimp, years of taut french braids should have built
a higher tolerance
for such novelties as primping. Oh well...my coat
isn't selling on ebay
either. I forgot it was Easter until I went to
Wal-Mart on Wednesday
noting all the bunny paraphernalia, and I feel like
a heathen. Mom must
too, she made mention of renting The Passion
yesterday, which was Good
Friday (I almost forgot about that one too), but we
watched NAACP Image
Awards instead. So there you go...I gotta go to
work. It is lovely out
today. And My Brother is batman.

I walked into work on my day off, just to pick up my
sewing machine
(yeah I bring it in to have something to do when
it's slow), and box up
a couple of guitar straps that needed to be sent
out. Tom (the guy that
rents a little section of the hot tub shop for his
landscaping business
office.) walked up to me and proceeded to, as humbly
as his 6'2" cocky
macho self could, apologize for a comment he made to
me as I was eating
a soft taco at work last week. The comment was one
that made me choke
down and even gag on the contents in my mouth, all
for the nasty visual
he provided and I catered too. He laughed
hysterically, and I glared at
him...smiling, while refusing to laugh. Which
bugged him, I know it
did...because he did his strut thing back to his
office and was like "oh
come on Johanna! I see you flipping Niah the bird
all the time, and
you're gagging at that?"

Well yesterday he said "I'd like to apologize for my
comment to you the
other day...it was un-acceptable." You wanna know
what I said? What I
cut him off to say? "And Tom I'm sorry if I gave
you the impression
that I would find it acceptable." He looked like I
had just stabbed a
knife into is ball of cockyness. I laughed because
of two things...one
the look on his face (no one can get him to shut up
like I did.) two
because I was embarassed. I the peruser, had just
said something
without thinking about it. I quickly recovered and
said that I was
serious, that what he had said about me finding one
form of crass humor
cute or acceptable and turning my nose up at
something some would place
in the same catagory, could proove to be confusing.
He said "whoa!
apology accepted then..." I accepted his then
too...it's hard to screw
up socially with people like Tom, he basically takes
what he wants and
walks away until he can use it to tease you again
some other day. I
feel like such a spaz, it was such a genuine
encounter, but then he
doesn't really know me. So the understanding
stopped at a certain
point. I bet he's not even thinking about it now,
but then again I
never expected him to apologize to me either.

To ramble more...I am selling an amazing coat

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8179948786&rd=1&sspa
gename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1> on ebay. If you don't
buy it I won't be
sad, because I can have it for myself then...I do
look good in it.

Then again...I still aspire to be a minimalist...so
you can take it. In
exchange for a hefty hunk of change. heh-heh-heh.

Look it me, I have dollar signs for pupils. That
ain't right.

I have two new t-shirts. One is an extra cool
advertisment for a band
named Happy Hour, and I feel extra sneaky wearing it
knowing it carries
the appearance of what many would deem evil :).
Happy Hour indeed. All
this pleasure and I only planted five dollars for
it. Woot. The second
is an extra spiffy pink color, and I got that one
for free...because
apparently I have connections. This one I wear
proudly in support of my
friends from OTB .
Whom I finally had the
opportunity to see perform this past weekend. I was
impressed and proud.
They've been around doing a lot of the same material
for a while...and
somehow carry it off. That is indeed a struggle, to
keep something fresh
to you as well as the audience. I will learn a lot
from them I think.

It was a baptist church youth event they were
gigging at. I sat with my
heart grimacing at "the band" that played before our
friends...they were
introduced as a band, (like you were expecting a
concert from them after
the emcee got off stage.) but they played only
worship songs without the
invitation for you to worship with them. I do
believe it was on of the
most disheartening experiences I've had in
awhile...the sound system is
better at Lemonjello's for one, for secondly it
brought me back to the
days of middle school youth group. Days I do not
wish to revisit as
current happenings, as I am trying hard enough to
separate from high
school. That's the gist of my balking I guess...I'm
sick of rededicating
my life to Christ at the altar, because I'm stuck at
knowing how to do
that in the events of everyday. I guess I should be
more in wonder of
how God responds to our arrogance...years of people
who claim Jesus have
walked before us...feeling the same...wanting to
redefine the
redefination of church. Does it grate him? Those
songs grated me...I
struggled within myself, trying to figure out how to
respond posturely
in my heart. Then they played the song I sang by
myself to Jesus in my
room on Friday night. Dangit...I had two options. Be
really angry that
they just completely ruined it for me...or engage. I
notice that I tend
to view grace as a catch all...which to some extent
makes sense, but...I
don't know.

Humor me and go listen the mp3 rarity of the month
...Born by Over The
Rhine. I felt the last
48 hours were a movie, and everytime I stepped out
of the scene I was in
to watch the rest...that song was playing.

When alone 15 minutes of pure stewing can seem like
a year. It seems
that since I am doing nothing I feel like I have to
figure something
out. All the while still doing nothing. So I called
Elise...we drew a
circle of conversation and came to no conclusions
and somehow I feel
more at peace. What?

This pause in my life, the in between state of
seperation from what is
comfortable has been consumed with ideas of what
will make me
comfortable in the next phase. Today I realize that
the pause just needs
to be a pause. I feel useless, having dropped any
form of training
whether it be educational, or spiritual...and then
becoming fearful of
direction. Somehow the silence has developed a film
of shame. Which is
completely ridiculous. I've never walked into
anything knowing what I'd
be learning. I seem to forget the simple truths in
my walk towards
'deeper' things. Which after talking to Elise this
morning, seems people
are always doing that. Wanting what's under the
surface holds a
rendering quality of endearment. I've fallen captive
and tripped
terribly as I am led forward. I keep changing my
mind in the face of
life's theory...yet beneath it all I am digging for
the humorous
elements that sparkle with snickering every once in
awhile.

I never have questioned God in all the process, He
is my only sane spot.
Maybe I should be asking him more though, about this
state that I view
as shameful and wretched. I always get this taste in
my mouth of how
silly I am before I do that...I am coming to though,
and seeing that
although the spirit convicts...God created, and
within that there are
things He intentionally brought in existance. I have
struggled far too
long with shuveling everything into my system and
then purging myself of
it all, because of the guilt that comes afterwards.
Not good or healthy,
or productive. Perhaps I should stop being such a
self
flogger...probably so. I'm not a dark as I sound. I
promise...just got
to get it out sometimes. Since I don't verbalize
well I let it all over
flow...on xanga. Right. Elise would mock me so. I am
loved
though...however I choose to clumsily convey that.
Worse yet pass it on.
Which I just don't normally do unless I know you
well :)

Analogy of the day!

you are like rain pouring down on my hot, greasy
face,
though if i turn my nose up at you,
i will drown
- elena

Yeah she was talking about me.

"Some walls are too easily built and stand too long
as barriers to
humanity." - S.I.

I saw a piece called Jericho last night...a modern
dance. I've not had
much experience with modern dance that I like. Most
of the time the
performances are filled with sexy angst dances...or
people who are
trying too hard to portray a personal message and
viewpoint without
propaganda. In the well meaning process it becomes a
vague blur of
sporadic movement that misses connection with anyone
but the performer.

Not so with this choreography. I had thoughts of
amazement at techinique
as I watched. As well as reflection on issues that
I've been too
fearfilled too deal with. I view my 'walls' with
such awe, respect and
resentment. This is not coming out the way I want to
at all...I guess I
don't feel like writing. Probably should have
written it down in my
journal so as to know that I'm really writing it out
for my own
processing purposes...not just to sound extra
insightful on xanga.
Grrrr....wouldn't work anyway seeing how I'm the
only one who saw it. :)
A special thanks to the famous pianist Ken Wadly for
inviting Mary Jo
who invited me. 'Twas an intimate God moment...came
as very refreshing
after spending a sleepless night babysitting a
diarrhea stricken child.
Which I'm not complaining about per say...I just
keep coming to the
realization that I am thankful that I am not old
enough or in the
position to have the full time job of parenting.

In other ramblings...Mary Jo and I are in the
process of making a
maniquin. More of a bust really...on an old music
stand. It speaks of so
much though. If this one succeeds we will try using
a floor lamp
(complitments of Bible's for Mexico) as a base. My
hands are scraped up
from the garden wire we used as the form. I felt so
resourceful. Fun
times, fun times. I also made up today for the
trauma of having to eat
Mac 'n Cheese this weekend. Mary Jo and Heidi and I
went to the River in
Saugatuck today...lovliness was the company and
veggie omlet that I had.
Good friends, asparagus, spinach and zuchinni.

oh-ho-well. I guess I'm done...I'm not cut out for
the keyboard tonight.
Sorry elena. This sucks...but your face will heal.

So tonight I went to a show that I thought I'd be
sitting at tomorrow
night...I'm not good at retaining information I
suppose. One of the
bands I had seen twice before, Anathallo. The first
time I ever saw this
band play, I received such inspirational vibes that
I made myself voice
to the lead vocalist the thoughts that ran through
my head as I
experienced their performance. I don't remember what
I said, but the
important part is that I got outside of myself...and
that they did a
good job :) I didn't push that tonight...but hey. I
step leaps, then go
back to shuffling...the time will come again for
dancing. They were just
as inspirational tonight...and maybe a little
improved.

The second band goes by the name of Saxon Shore...I
prefer to call them
Instrumental Brilliance...yeah or something like
that...eh...I think
they're better at naming themselves. Tonight it was
two electric guitar
players, and a drummer...with a few other amazing
gadgets laying around
in between. I listened and lost myself in the world
of Care Free. Quite
mellow was the ride home.

Our Kind friend Lukey has been visiting since Sunday
eve...it's been
nice. Took a couple of trips downtown, got down with
all the goodness of
Lemonjello's and such...took a few unsuccessful
trips to thrift
stores...Even saw Andy for a short amount of time.
That sucked. Not that
we saw him mind you...but I felt lousy that the time
was limited.:) Bet
I scared you all with the way I phrased that last
idea. :) Sorry. I
don't mean to be scary.

God seems to keep bringing my introverted impurities
to the surface...
when I would prefer they stay beneath the surface. I
suppose thought He
wants me to be rid of them completely. That's why
they gotta come to the
surface. Time for some serious zit popping...I'll do
that now through a
little time spent in The WORD.

Mucho Love.

Niah played a song he wrote at Lemonjello's tonight.
'Twas open mic
night, and he did splendidly. I didn't know he was
going to do that
until today otherwise I would have told you before
he performed so those
of you near us could have actually witnessed it. My
bad. A special
apology goes to Robin, seeing how I was supposed to
call her. Shoot. I
just remembered. Sorry Rob!

I was proud, there were few people tonight, and that
made things a
little awkward when I screamed and hooted for
more...but hey. That's
what sisters' are for...awkwardness. No I wasn't
that obnoxious, but my
heart did swell. I love my brother. I love that we
can talk about
things, I love how confident he is (even if it does
cause jealous
confliction at times). He's just all around a good
guy.

The song was written for a friend...I kind of wish
that he'd been there
to hear it, but at the same time I think it was cool
that Niah didn't
ask him to be. It was more of a prayer for his
friend that way. I always
like to think to sustain consistant prayer for loved
ones without
telling them about it is better...although being
prayed for with
awareness is a lot like a good hug. Which friend
Elena says you need 7
of a day to maintain a low stress level. Anyhoo...I
feel like my
thoughts have been lamed for the evening. Time to go
rest up.

I've been informed on several occasions today that I
smell of garlic.
Damn Hommus.

I woke up at 7:30 this morn, and feel like I got
little accomplished.
That wouldn't be so bad if I were comfortable with
the fact that I am
not a person who thrives on self motivation...I've
never been fond of
that trait in myself however. Don't think I ever
will learn to befriend
it. For once I'd like to begin a day with ten ideals
on what needs to be
done, and complete about five of them...that's all I
ask. I think though
too...that I wouldn't like myself if I were a person
who only thought of
doing things and never thought of stopping for
people along the way.
Yeah that would pretty much suck. So I guess my
conclusion is to never
like myself. Right. I'm a geek.

The highlight of today was running to the grocery
store with my
brothers. Niah and I talked like it seems we haven't
had time too lately
(not pointing any fingers just stating a fact:p) We
were sent to get a
movie for my parents who have been on a day long
Anniversary nap :) They
somehow have found out how to enjoy privacy in our
little house that
seems to be hopping with activity always...The cool
new hang out in our
basement has helped a little bit. Then we stopped
for some treats
ourselves. Ginger Ale, bubble gum...and reeses
peanutbutter eggs. That
was fun. I paid and both Niah and Isaiah rewarded me
with hugs and
statements on how good of a sister I was. Yeah I'm
writing it all down
so I feel better about how uneventful my day was.
Pitiful, just pitiful.