When alone 15 minutes of pure stewing can seem like
a year. It seems
that since I am doing nothing I feel like I have to
figure something
out. All the while still doing nothing. So I called
Elise...we drew a
circle of conversation and came to no conclusions
and somehow I feel
more at peace. What?

This pause in my life, the in between state of
seperation from what is
comfortable has been consumed with ideas of what
will make me
comfortable in the next phase. Today I realize that
the pause just needs
to be a pause. I feel useless, having dropped any
form of training
whether it be educational, or spiritual...and then
becoming fearful of
direction. Somehow the silence has developed a film
of shame. Which is
completely ridiculous. I've never walked into
anything knowing what I'd
be learning. I seem to forget the simple truths in
my walk towards
'deeper' things. Which after talking to Elise this
morning, seems people
are always doing that. Wanting what's under the
surface holds a
rendering quality of endearment. I've fallen captive
and tripped
terribly as I am led forward. I keep changing my
mind in the face of
life's theory...yet beneath it all I am digging for
the humorous
elements that sparkle with snickering every once in
awhile.

I never have questioned God in all the process, He
is my only sane spot.
Maybe I should be asking him more though, about this
state that I view
as shameful and wretched. I always get this taste in
my mouth of how
silly I am before I do that...I am coming to though,
and seeing that
although the spirit convicts...God created, and
within that there are
things He intentionally brought in existance. I have
struggled far too
long with shuveling everything into my system and
then purging myself of
it all, because of the guilt that comes afterwards.
Not good or healthy,
or productive. Perhaps I should stop being such a
self
flogger...probably so. I'm not a dark as I sound. I
promise...just got
to get it out sometimes. Since I don't verbalize
well I let it all over
flow...on xanga. Right. Elise would mock me so. I am
loved
though...however I choose to clumsily convey that.
Worse yet pass it on.
Which I just don't normally do unless I know you
well :)

Analogy of the day!

you are like rain pouring down on my hot, greasy
face,
though if i turn my nose up at you,
i will drown
- elena

Yeah she was talking about me.