Yesterday was my dear brother's birthday. I woke up at noon, threw some clothes on and we hit the holland scene. I enjoy hanging out with my brother, there's always something fun to talk about...maybe something to disagree on, you never know...and that's why I like it.I had to buy him a copy of You Got Served as a present, because the mock suit jacket I tried to make him, didn't turn out to my expectations. It's a good thing too, I showed it to him later, he put it on and the sleeves were way to short. Ah...I'll try again; struck down but not destroyed. Later on we met mom and dad in GR at Niah's favorite restaurant...it's a mongolian grill type place, you know where you pick your own stir fry ingrediants and watch the young radical scene type "grillaz" cook your food. I don't normally like the all you can eat thing so much (I prefer not to have added stress of getting my money's worth when eating out), but I took two trips just so I could watch and be entertained. It's definitely cool when guys cook :) The food was amazing...amazing...anyway if it had been my birthday I would have felt pretty special. I also had a super fun trip with my friends last weekend. Short as it was, I had tears of excitement and thankfulness well up once...er twice. As for today...I have a few errands to run...and I'm going to try my best to be consistent.

those of you who are in question over my character since my brother's last vague journal entry...I will sheepishly admit that I did try to get him to smell my armpits. It was further from the "take your dog's nose and rub it in the carpet he peed on" experience, he tried to make you think it was, I did sort of pester him though...and for this I claim embarrassment and regret. I've been realizing that even though the smell I produce from the under arms is extremely mild and most of the time unnoticeable, that the odor from the left pit is greater than the right. I needed someone else to test this for me...that's all. It was more of a "fan and let waft" experience. I didn't intend this information to be posted publicly...but I will not say I didn't deserve it.There, I suppose everything that goes on in the Bystrom household has now been described in detail to the public at large. There shall be a pause for blushing later.I leave for my brief trip of iniatiation with OTB tomorrow. It seems like a huge step to be taking...but I'll only be gone until Sunday...and how many times have I seen the grounds of Illinois? I think though that because the fog is being lifted from the vision lately, I have a little more excitement in my heart than it's been used to handling to these 6 months past. Yeah I'm excited, really excited.I hear music, and movement rolls like film in my mind.I dance, and see fabric take shape on bodies.I sing, and feel beautiful before the eyes of God.It's been awhile since I've experienced such sensation...and though I know a lesson of balance is in line, I am willing to run with this, without angst. Enjoying a fling with joy. I figure this is not me avoiding discipline, or sounding like a spoiled bratt who got a little of her way and is happy again. Or rather I would hope it isn't...and pray that God will use my refreshment, to deepen my love for him. I want to speak of his wisdom, and boast of his faithfulness...or something. Perhaps I'll learn to do this better on the plateau next time. That'd be kind of nice.

There once was a girl who needed a car desperately. Her parents were kind and bought her an ibook for graduation. She cried and laughed upon receiving such a gift, saying it cost more than ever she would spend on a vehicle. So she existed happily, surfing the internet...Then came a day, where she had to quit her job in Holland...so she could travel with friends she loved. She knew on this day that her laptop would no longer suffice as proper form of transportation...and began her quest of independance by looking for an economy car.There are a lot of details that happened in between then and yesterday when her eyes beheld the most beautiful piece of rust...but sometimes pictures describe the best.She loved again and was happy.
Mostly she bought it for the clean interior.Wish them a happy ever after. The End.:) :) :)A little extra!Mom and Isaiah are almost home....2 hours. I've missed them. Thanks for asking about her well being all my friends. And for your prayers. You all be the bomb diggeties.

I keep forgetting about how true this is. "Self-consciousness, however does hinder the experience of the present. It is the one instrument that unplugs all the rest. So long as I lose myself in a tree, say I can scent it's leafy breath or estimate its board feet in lumber, I can draw its fruits or boil tea on its branches, the tree stays a tree. But the second I become aware of myself at any of these activities-looking over my own shoulder, as it were - the tree vanishes, uprooted from the spot and flung out of sight as if it had never grown. And time, which had flowed down into the tree bearing new revelations like floating leaves at every moment, ceases. It dams, stills, stagnates. Self-consciousness is the curse of the city and all that sophistication implies. It is the glimpse of oneself in a storefront window, the unbidden awareness of reactions on the faces of other people- the novelist's world, not the poet's."- from A Pilgrim At Tinker Creek, by Annie DillardI've been realizing that I bring up the same issues over and over...they're comfortable, they're familiar. I'm not ready to branch out of these yet, because I sort of know how to deal with (or at least talk about) such issues as self-conciousness. If I truely were to let go and let God...I'd be running the risk of tackling a new topic of resistance. I am the slowest of all human beings.I will end this with a scene and quote created by friend Elena. She and I sat talking about the practice of living deeply. When a pestering fly rested on her knee, she swatted, missed and said after some delay : "Dammit, I wish I were fast."I wish I were fast too.

I wish I weren't such a wimp when it comes to facing my dreams as reality. It seems when faced with even the slightest possibility of this being so...I stick my head under the pillow and come up with a million reasons I was wrong for even thinking I was capable. This most obviously is not the correct attitude to find foundation in.
For being as seasoned as I am at saying not "farewell", but "see you later"...I sure did cry a lot this week over it. First Elena, then tonight Robin stuck herself in an envelope addressed for some college in Georgia.
The path has seperated, and I'm left alone with purpose. The opportunity for intemacy excites, and paralyzes. Good thing I still have my bible, and my family. Oh and a lot of other things...I have to stop thinking of everything as this huge play act, and live as it comes. Wouldn't it be nice not to expect and just do? Just live with purpose as a sort of playmate...someone you enjoy spending time with, instead of cramming it down your throat as a particularly despised discipline...one that burns and tortures all the way down.
The only reason I whine is because I've wrestled with contentment my whole life...now I sort-of-kind-of won the fight, and find myself wishing I hadn't. I've forgotten all those things about it being through "His strength" and not my own. Contentment just needs to be thought of freshly in my mind...it should be a state of being, that can handle however life rolls, and roll right along with it. Playing happily with purpose. Er..Something like that.
Have a safe trip dear little Robin...you will be missed. That's all I meant to say really. :) Thanks for being my encouragement of thought tonight

I drove Elena to the airport this morning, we said our sad farewells...and just like that she's on her way back to Nashville. It was sort of a quiet morning we had together, but I guess the last two weeks of dashing about, mad laughter, and some tears made up for that. I don't mind those quiet times with friends, there is no sense of urgency, which makes saying goodbye alright because you know it's not going to be the last time you hang out...or something like that. I couldn't help getting a little misty when I left the parking lot, just because I was already starting to miss her...and feeling super thankful. She had given me two dollars to pay for parking with, (being the dumb girl I am when it comes to planning ahead I brought no money with me) I drove up to the booth thing and they were like "you're all set", I guess I hadn't been there long enough to pay. I don't know why but that made me cry too...maybe I felt bad for taking her money and then not having to spend it, actually I think I became nostalgic about, thinking "this is all I have left of her, thanks Lord for letting me keep it."...I don't know. :) I started thinking that I would keep the money with me always, instead of using it in the typical ways, I'd find it in my pocket and remember to pray for her...like mom prays for Tom Ohl every time she does the dishes, because she's reminded of the conversations present the times he has washed and she dried. I was pretty determined this was how I was going to use the money...then I remembered that Niah had asked me to buy baby wipes before I left the house this morning, (we've been taking over mom's nannying gig for her while she's in NC) so I stopped at the nearest dollar store and bought baby wipes with the Elena money. So much for that...now I'll have to remember to pray for her everytime I wipe a baby's keester.

The only food we have available in the house is smoked almonds and ice cream...i've eaten the smoked almonds and am still hungry. I have this sneaking suspicion though, that the ice cream won't do anything for me beyond the almonds...so...oh well. I love my dad, whenever mom goes away and he's trusted with grocery shopping (or even if he's not) we end up with less of the substantial in the fridge and more of the little debbies, and 3 layer betty crocker cakes. Elena and I came home after work the other day famished; we ate two pieces of cake for dinner. I had a little of that starbucks java chip as well. Poor Elena :) I tried to make dinner with the bare minimums last night. It started with laughter over this happy pepper (came from the plant in our yard)but ended in a salty stir fry mess. I've lost my touch in the kitchen. Okay,okay...I know I shouldn't let my confidence fall based on this one failure. It just makes it hard to press on sometimes...you know?Before this though, the day was pretty spectacular. Bringing lots of perspective on the blessings I have to thank the Lord for. It was my last day working for the spa shop, and I was reminded of my beautiful Christ's faithful nature. I have whined a lot this past year about work...yesterday though, I only felt like boasting about how the Lord had grown me through the influence of my most gracious employers...plus I finished my very first in-store manikin display. (Mary Jo is opening her own little boutique in the spa store warehouse, and I helped a little. I made the skirt :p)It was a sweetly wished farewell...I feel invigorated. I think the flowers I found sitting on the desk I spent many industrial hours sitting at, helped just a little.Mary Jo and Fred, I love you!

I was going to write something really upbeat...but my mom and I started talking about blogger site...She visited with some friends yesterday that work for the local christian music radio station...they spoke of a man that many deemed eccentric, no lovers in his life, no family really, and his name was Jack. He worked at the radio station, an older gentleman. I guess he died two weeks ago at work, on Sunday morning when everyone else was at church with their families...they found him on Monday, and suddenly everyone felt bad for ever making fun of him. Anyway...my mom wrote a much better entry on him at her blogger You should read it. She also found Jack's blogger...which she told me with tears in her eyes, he had lots of entries, but only one comment. He kept blogging though. Puts a new concept out there for me to latch onto. Mom thinks we should blog in the spirit of Jack...I'm pretty much with her.