I just watched my 2nd ever, episode of the
simpsons...I only merit this
as a large event due to the fact that the 1st ever
watched before this
was last week. I guess that's a big deal. I'm not a
big t.v. person,
used to be...when we had cable, but then I only
watched shows like Even
Stevens and *gasps* Lizzie McGuire, and never did I
miss the disney
channel movie of the month. I will continue to keep
counted track of the
simpson's episodes I watch, until it becomes a
habit, which is not very
likely to happen.

I don't think I would watch t.v. even if we had
options too. So there.
Do I sound stuck up? Well I would remember if I were
you, that Johanna
has other things that distract her causing vacant
eyes and slack jaw.
Like xanga, and xanga, and chocolate.

Only dark chocolate though. I also decided not to
feel guilty for liking
xanga so much anymore. You see...if I feel guilty it
will only conflict
with the love. Seeing how this is a lesson that
applies to many areas
(not just one) in my life, I should adopt it like a
sister ( I already
have two brothers). Seriously, as long as I stop
caring about what all
my friends think about me...and wondering if they
still love me even
when they don't comment...it's a good thing.
Sometimes you just gotta
unload. These things I talk about on here never have
the energy to test
themselves out verbally anyways. I have to let the
other me run free
from time to time you know. bleh.

My mom just sent me a very amusing link (yeah we
instant message through
the great distances of my room to the kitchen)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/burrito_lockdown. This
was the first thing
after the other first thing that made me laugh
today...which was some
absurd line delivered in the simpsons. That's kind
of sad if you think
about it. I laugh a lot. So to not laugh seems
pretty crazy. And this is
all a bunch of nonsense, but I can't stop.

I'm going to protect this post, so only my
subscribers may read it. Not
that any of you are more special than others of you,
I just may slip and
say something in this post that I want to hide from
the immediate
public.
Like...I may for instance talk about how I have
really intense pms, and
that's just not right.
Drew and I were just talking about this sort of
thing last week. We were
sitting at the dinner table in a church camp, and
the table next to us
was filled with a bunch of guy band members who's
coversation consisted
of boisterous laughter and repeated lines from the
movie Anchor Man
(which I've never seen) Drew perked up a little bit,
and then said with
a smile "ha - they're talking about Anchor Man." I
asked him if he
wished he were talking about Anchor Man too...and he
said no because he
didn't like talking about those types of things with
people he wasn't
familiar with. I think he may not have meant it this
way entirely, but I
think it makes sense. I always prefer to get the
harder conversation out
of the way in my relationships, before moving on to
more superficial
topics. That may be backwards, but I can't handle
talking about
something someone may respond to smilingly on the
surface, while maybe
struggling to understand more about where I'm coming
from. Then again
maybe no one has that kind of confliction, well I
do...but you know. I
think that's where we can sometimes get caught in
the rebound, the
superficial is a nice distraction from terrifying
contemplation of how
the depth of the ocean really exists. So no I won't
talk about my pms,
unless you really want me too...unless you really
think it will help you
understand me as your friend. Then you can ask me
too, but I won't bring
it up. I will try to be more tangible at times...and
bring the details
to the table. I think my issue with that is that I
think none of the
details are not that interesting they are too easily
conquered in
words...I wait for the ginormous events, so that I
can reel in my own
awkwardly conveyed explaination, not quite ever
nailing the emotion
lived, on the head.

In effort to change the subject while really
expressing interest in
giving out the details I so often dismiss....I segue
into my next
paragraph.

Next week my friend Nicole is coming to visit on her
way back home from
school in Mississippi. This is very happy indeed,
and one of the many
reasons I decided to cut my time on the road with
Drew and Kat down a
little...after this I fly to Ohio, where I will ride
with friends to
Florida...this is the third year in a row they
invited me on their
family vacation, and the first time that I've
accepted. It will be good,
but I'm a little sad about the fact that it will be
my first time not
being home for Mother's Day. I guess it's all part
of growing up...and
we are celebrating her all together this Sunday...so
that's good...but I
can't help after all of my complaints on how slow my
life has been of
late, to feel guilty when the opportunity presents
itself to fly.

Way to complicate Johanna.

My eyes are swollen like I've only just woken up. I
just said that aloud
after looking in the mirror at myself, then drew
made fun of me. It's
true though, they are puffy. Oh well...nothing a
little make up can't
cure. As my dad always says: "If you don't like the
color of the
fence...paint it." Yep he's refering to my physical
appearance...we as a
family are just full of analogies.

My week of inter-state traveling is almost up.
Tonight we're in
Brainerd, MN...we drove 18 hours straight to get
here from Cinci last
night. Pretty crazy, and my body is still rushing
with the movements of
the RV. I took a little stroll outside (it's
gorgeous, a bit chilly but
lovely), and the lack of white noise caused by motor
and speeding wind
made my head throb. I listened to lots of Saxon
Shore in my bunk last
night when the roads were too bumpy for sleeping on.


I have a lot more to say, but I need to go watch my
friends perform and
try to make my eyes look less puffy before I descend
the stairway. Be
looking for my edit later on. I miss you guys :).

I promise to sleep after this. Does anyone know if
that passion fruit
tea has caffeine in it? I guess it could be the
passion part that keeps
me awake too...heh.

Robin's gig was lovely tonight. I get so proud of
the way she acts when
holding a guitar in her arms and notes on her lips.
I will quite always
remember tonight I think. I studied the evening like
a photograph. She
really captivated the whole place, even through
yucky feed back and
forgotten verses...kept calm eyes scanning the room.
I'm glad I got over
my jealousy of her giftings when we were little
gals. I've reaped so
much from being proud of her. :p I feel kinda guilty
for not sleeping
right now, seeing how she wrote me a whole lullaby
and sang it without
telling me. I cried...hugged her...then went into
the bathroom and cried
somemore. I was totally praying for her own
confidence up there, then
she upped and sang a prayer for mine. I was
unsuspective of receiving
any blessings today.

Work was awful...I sit and bask in my insecurities
and failings when
alone. There was lots of time for it too. I forget
about the truths of
friendship in the face of terrible world muckraking.
Then God reminds me
why I need him...I get so caught up in the idea of
him not needing me,
but wanting me. That should be flattering right? For
some reason I get
lost in the "un-needed" part, wondering if the only
reason I cling so
tightly to Jesus is to satisfy my game playing
needs. If I only
surrender because I have to, not out of pure
un-adulterated love for my
Savior. I think that my motives to love come not out
of care for others,
but care for myself and being loved. Maybe so...but
that's why I need
Him and the reason He wants me.

I was having an excellent day until I hit my head on
a pipe in the
basement. I mean knocked myself on my ass
hit...really hard...goose egg
hit. I sat with my mom watching That 70's show with
a bag of frozen peas
resting on the wound. Now my eyes are sore around
the rims, and I feel
tired. Come on, keep encouraging me with your
sympathy. It's moments
like these that I think about how I whined for
attention as a
child...and mom's reply of "Hush. Else I give you
something real to cry
about." It's only fun to whine when you recieve the
reaction you want.
Otherwise, you begin to feel stupid, or scared or
something.





Hey if you live in town come check out this cute
chica. I've heard her
stuff played on the very grounds of my backyard.
Pretty amazing, lyrics
and finger picking...she's well rounded. Friday
night at Lemonjello's,
9pm. $2 suggested donation for Righteous Babes or
something like that
:).

Currently Playing: The Milk-Eyed Mender
By: Joanna Newsom

I realize why I find such peace in typing things
rather than speaking
them. It would require way too much effort to use
the fillers and
insecure babblings that I extend in real life
conversation here. This is
where I learn how to economize.

Meg says: "Yeah he's married to one of the corporate
gals."
I hear: "yeah he's married to one of the corporate
guys".
I open my mouth to say: *giggle, giggle snort* "I
thought you said he
was married to one of the corporate guys, but then I
thought.no that's
not right.I know she didn't say that."
I think: why am I saying this aloud?
There's no time or energy for such nonsense when on
the keyboard.

Johnna types a sentence about "knitters".
I see "kittens", and before finishing the thought
and pronouncing it as
such in my head.I get through making the hard K
sound, correcting myself
at "nitters" forming the word
"kah-nitters".realizing it is not kittens
that she was telling me about.

Instead of explaining this to her.I move on smiling
to myself, and focus
on the actual conversation that lays before us on
the importance of
being a knitter. It would be ridiculous to do
otherwise. And life goes
on spinning...
This fabulous weather has me acting all jovial, this
weekend was one in
which I overindulged in such acts. I partied hard
with people I love,
playing in the sunshine, letting the warm air lift
my curls to slap my
forheard as I raced my friends to the monkey bars,
before coming home to
my family red faced and panting...proceeding in my
hurried mode to
accomplish for them a few good acts, before getting
on the computer. I
really don't know how to grow up...or love evenly.
Hopefully this is
what they call the learning curve.

I am trying to come up with a mime piece for
June...it's supposed to be
created around the idea of Intimacy with Christ. I
have a lot of
inverted pride blocking the creative flow of
ideas...I don't want to be
contrived, and I want so badly to be genuine in my
dramatic
representation of relationship with the ultimate
Romantic. It's all a
bunch of emotion, and no artistic direction at this
point. I thought I'd
talk about it though, so I will feel a bit more
drive to do something
about it :)...there's healing in sharing I don't
care who says
otherwise. So if you have any ideas...pass them
under the table please.
I want to save my face of originality.
Insert big smiling dork face here.
*Another thing*
I really dislike gamey friendships..."if I give you
this, you can give
me this"...I mean really dislike, I think it's the
only thing that can
turn my stomach upside down with hate. I don't like
walking on
eggshells because I'm afraid of appearing over eager
when my motives to
care, are purely to care..I don't have to fear
giving, and I don't want
people to think I'm doing it just to manipulate a
reaction from them.
It seems we cut each other off before really ever
given a chance...roots
from past dissappointments I suppose. I don't really
feel better for
saying any of this. For I have just gathered about
5 situations in
which I'm sure I've done this thing that I hate so
much.

I've decided not to restrict my comments to the
weather when feeling
awkward on the phone. I talked to a couple of pals
in Rochester
today...I do like getting a phone call from there
because I get passed
around the room for a little one on one with
everyone :). When time came
to chat with Tom I said something about being on a
nice walk outside he
cut me off with his boisterous agreement. "Yeah it's
nice here too! I
think I'm going to get naked and walk to the grocery
store. Then ask
them to show me where the banana's are. What? 49
cents a pound! That's a
real deal!" I informed him that 25 cents a pound is
what they normally
run for here...he was jealous.

Conversations with others in the day didn't steer
any more
straight...but hey...what can you do besides laugh?

My spirit feels frumpy. I could laugh, cry, run
away, and stay all at
once...all for reasons I don't feel really merit. I
do know I'm not
going to school next fall...I've wasted too much
time wandering in fear,
then bravery, then fear again. I hate to come to
this conclusion because
I sat stagnant for too long, but I'm not defeated
yet I suppose. Other
opportunities are showing themselves and I will grab
on and hang even if
I'm dragging. There is so much invested into the
knowledge of being a
sinner. I know I screw up. I can focus on that,
flogging myself into
submission...or relent knowing Christ has buried it
with his
death...which no longer exists. I just think that
there is so much to
consider that is larger than my own sin. Sounds bad,
but I guess what
I'm trying to say is that there is promise that it
has been erased. God
created good and desires to preserve it with his
wisdom...and I want to
trust that he can. Free will is not a promise to
damnation, it's a
promise that we have the ability to make a
choice...the option to do
good is as open as the one to do evil. Obvious
right? I guess I've been
too distracted by a guilty conscience to remember.

My entry seems kind of bi-polar...I guess I haven't
been much in the
mood to write lately. Oh well I bet I will be
tomorrow...now that I've
said I'm not.