Currently Playing: The Milk-Eyed Mender
By: Joanna Newsom

I realize why I find such peace in typing things
rather than speaking
them. It would require way too much effort to use
the fillers and
insecure babblings that I extend in real life
conversation here. This is
where I learn how to economize.

Meg says: "Yeah he's married to one of the corporate
gals."
I hear: "yeah he's married to one of the corporate
guys".
I open my mouth to say: *giggle, giggle snort* "I
thought you said he
was married to one of the corporate guys, but then I
thought.no that's
not right.I know she didn't say that."
I think: why am I saying this aloud?
There's no time or energy for such nonsense when on
the keyboard.

Johnna types a sentence about "knitters".
I see "kittens", and before finishing the thought
and pronouncing it as
such in my head.I get through making the hard K
sound, correcting myself
at "nitters" forming the word
"kah-nitters".realizing it is not kittens
that she was telling me about.

Instead of explaining this to her.I move on smiling
to myself, and focus
on the actual conversation that lays before us on
the importance of
being a knitter. It would be ridiculous to do
otherwise. And life goes
on spinning...
This fabulous weather has me acting all jovial, this
weekend was one in
which I overindulged in such acts. I partied hard
with people I love,
playing in the sunshine, letting the warm air lift
my curls to slap my
forheard as I raced my friends to the monkey bars,
before coming home to
my family red faced and panting...proceeding in my
hurried mode to
accomplish for them a few good acts, before getting
on the computer. I
really don't know how to grow up...or love evenly.
Hopefully this is
what they call the learning curve.

I am trying to come up with a mime piece for
June...it's supposed to be
created around the idea of Intimacy with Christ. I
have a lot of
inverted pride blocking the creative flow of
ideas...I don't want to be
contrived, and I want so badly to be genuine in my
dramatic
representation of relationship with the ultimate
Romantic. It's all a
bunch of emotion, and no artistic direction at this
point. I thought I'd
talk about it though, so I will feel a bit more
drive to do something
about it :)...there's healing in sharing I don't
care who says
otherwise. So if you have any ideas...pass them
under the table please.
I want to save my face of originality.
Insert big smiling dork face here.
*Another thing*
I really dislike gamey friendships..."if I give you
this, you can give
me this"...I mean really dislike, I think it's the
only thing that can
turn my stomach upside down with hate. I don't like
walking on
eggshells because I'm afraid of appearing over eager
when my motives to
care, are purely to care..I don't have to fear
giving, and I don't want
people to think I'm doing it just to manipulate a
reaction from them.
It seems we cut each other off before really ever
given a chance...roots
from past dissappointments I suppose. I don't really
feel better for
saying any of this. For I have just gathered about
5 situations in
which I'm sure I've done this thing that I hate so
much.