Oh la di Oh la da - nananana - Life Goes On

There is this ever looming idea that I am making an ass of myself. Perhaps I even do things to confirm it, so that I won't in some odd way be disappointed. It all comes down to me caring way to much about what people think...not caring about people mind you, this is not a bad thing, but me caring so much about opinions and judgements, that it affects my conscience is bad. I have a feeling I'll forever be learning this lesson, and saying stupid things that strip and evaluate others, in effort to protect myself from the same kind of judgement.

Then again, forever remembering a lesson, does not mean repeating old actions.

Thou Mayest

Life is about breathing and then enjoying all that is in between.

It was a beautiful weekend. I like when unexpected things come about, and seemingly serve no other purpose, but to refresh...I like that a lot.

I went to Detroit on Thursday to see little Ethan, and as always it's a joy to be surrounded in the comfort of good friends. Ethan made me cry...That's how wonderful he is.

Friday I came home, and then went to lj's to see Ellery. It was so nice, and I benefited greatly from my reputation as OTB's merch girl, because they asked if I would cover the table while they played. I was sad to be sitting in the back where the loud and evidently tipsy middle aged were talking my ear off, but happy, because I was gifted the new full length album Lying Awake. I will not lie, and act like this did not excite me, or make me feel special in the eyes of God. He knows I like gifts, and he gave me one, I love him for it, and Justin and Tasha as well.

Saturday, I went to work at the spa shop for the first time in ages...it was nice to have my mathematical mind stretched. And when I got home...our most awesome friend Steve blessed us with his presence. I think I admire him most for his capability to remain chill in all situations. I envy his social skills, and his good looks. But mostly I just think he's nice to have around, as does the whole of the Bystrom clan. We also got to see Isaiah and Elise this weekend, which is always a joy. The kids are getting cuter with every new day, and I&E are moving closer to their dreams. I'll soon be able to visit them in beautiful British Columbia, where they are making their new home. I can't be sad for myself, I'm used to having dear friends scattered about.

Today has been lovely, although I completely forgot until just this moment my Sunday internet fast. I'll leave now to go flog myself.

The expanding of the nanny empire.

The McCulloughs had their baby boy yesterday early morning. From what I've seen, he's lovely...
You can check out onetimeblind's website for pictures and things, you also have to look at the pregnant pictures of Laura, she was getting pretty full with his 8lbs and 1oz.

I'm excited to see him and Eden interact. Not to turn this into a story about me, but...Everytime I've looked at Eden and thought about her having a brother, I've been reminded of Niah and myself. I was pretty much the same age Eden is now, when he was born...and pretty adoring of him, at least that's what it seemed like in the pictures. I'll be praying for these little kids as they grow up, seperately and together in their little family. The thing I wish Niah would have understood about my nagging sisterly qualities, is that I only did it because I love him. Sometimes I've been controlling, only because I want to see him make good choices and show all the other kids his age, how awesome he is...like the times when I got mad at him, while we were quite young, for saying he didn't love Jesus; pure concern, even if it came in a fit of tears and yelling.

Oh and I made little Ethan, or rather I decorated a hat for him...to match the shoes I got him, and the outfit mom bought to match the hat. Anyway, last night when I was admiring this little hat.




I sneezed a big juicy, wet sneeze all over the the vibrant fibers....I had my retainer in so the amount of saliva was just...just terrible. I freaked out a little. I had just gotten off the phone with Laura, explaining to her that I might need to wait until after the doctor confirmed that my symptoms of the past week, weren't contagious, before coming to see the babe. I knew putting it in the washer would shrink it. I swore a little, and then freaked some more.

Then I did what every 19 year old girl would do...I ran to Mom for advice. She looked at the hat all a glisten, laughed heartily, then instructed me to put in the dryer. I decided on my own to do a little spot cleaning. It turned out all right. And I get to see the Macs tomorrow.

****Edit****
For kicks.

The melting of my heart.

I'm pretty sure Isaiah will forever melt my heart. I've been feeling rather ill since last Thursday, so when I was showing signs of a fever yesterday, my dad took me to prime care. Which was a complete waste of time and money...I'm without medical insurance right now, so I'll feel the full blow too. However, as I was lying on the couch waiting to leave, Isaiah came up to me and asked if I would play with him...he thought again before I answered and said "or are you not feeling good?", I told him I wasn't and that Poppa would be taking me to the doctor in a little bit. "Oh" he said, "well can I just go with you? Cause I'm just worried about you Jonanna." He finished with a hard blink and watery eyes.

I began to cry. He's just so sweet sometimes. I've said it several times, I'll probably say it several more times...something about being loved and cared about by a youngin makes you feel extra special.

Do not let me die today.

Currently Listening
I Don't Think There's No Need
By Linford Detweiler
see related


The sun this morning upon rising caused me anger.

I don't know why, but it did...I was angry, cranky, mean, pissy, all of it. And if someone says to me that it's due to my time of month, I'll warn you never to talk to me again. I love my family, because they put up with my whining and my strange emotional ways. They more than put up with it, they love me in spite of, and sometimes because of it. So I think because I possess an understanding of how much of me they can take, I let loose for no reason.

Like for instance...if your dog came and pooped in my sewing room while I was gone for a whopping two minutes fetching my iron, I would not stomp even a toe, or let the slightest of resentful expressions enter my eyes. I'd probably laugh, and I most definitely wouldn't yell at your dog.
But my brother's dog, got the back of my hand, extreme verbal warnings and the stink eye.

Or take this example...if you were talking to me in a way that made you sound somewhat competitive, or like super arrogant, it wouldn't ruffle my feathers, I might not feel inclined to pay you very many compliments...seeing how you yourself were doing such a fine job of that on your own, but I wouldn't whine about everything being a competion to you. I'd probably laugh, and muster up the banter within, creating for myself an equalized facade of cockiness, and leave you in the dust of my wit. Or at least try to without exposing the joke with a smile.
However if you are my other brother, I'll walk away from you in the middle of your sentence, cussing angrily under my breath over your disregard for my insecurity, and efforts to stay neutral amidst the war.

I just realized tonight, that I don't have enough room in my heart, to love everyone the way my family loves me. Right now I don't want to really, not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me humbly recall that I am human. Not super woman, even if Isaiah insists (gets jealous over the fact) that Sufjan's song entitled "Super Sexy Woman" off of the album "A Sun Came" is indeed written about me.
I'm not even Johanna with a Messiah complex. Sometimes I am nothing but unexpressed feelings, and quirks...but it's acceptable.

So, on my calandar for the week, is not a whole lot. I'm sewing, and cooking, and cleaning. Going to see Rosie Thomas (hopefully) in Grand Rapids instead of Detroit, because I took the time to look at my bank account...the fees of traveling, gasoline and multiple purchases of second hand clothing, are catching up with me. I'm going to work out, using my winsor pilates circle, and get in shape for the summer. I've made up my mind and am attending the PUSH apprenticeship again this year...while I'm stoked and overwhelmed with a new creativeness that comes with making a decision you feel good about, I've got to figure out some ways to make tuition money. I'll probably put the Classy out for sale and see who bites...she's beat up, but faithful, and you can't hurt $250 in pre-crushed metal. I hit the library, and got some new poetry by Donald Hall to fill my thoughts...plus I'm reading something that amuses me greatly by Dodie Smith, the author of 101 Dalmations...Oh and I saw the best movie of my life last night "Stage Beauty". Really, I'd suggest it to every one of my friends, except for those under the age of seventeen.

That's it, you're pretty much caught up on my life. Like you asked. *wink wink*