okay okay...I know it's been less than 24 hours since I last poured my heart out. I had to though do a little celebratory shin dig, in honor of elena's arrival on friday. she's so dear to me, and what with being all the way in nashville, i get pretty "pee my pants" excited when she comes. so here we go. doing a bit of dancing to release the energy.

Today was an appropriate thinking day. I was asked by a friend to help out at a golf course publicity thing...he's a landscape designer and had sponsored 5 holes at a golf outing for area home builders. It was downcast, I wrapped myself in a sweatshirt that wasn't mine, and only saw people when they came to putt at my hole. Heh. The wind was beautifully annoying...I had papers sitting on the table before me, and found double purposes for my ipod and cell phone, excellent paperweights they were...for a little while anyway. This was before the wind pitched my ipod to the grass and slapped me across the forehead with posterboard. I really did love it though. It's in those moments I find meaning...which makes me feel completely useless to God and all mankind, but I realized today for perhaps the first time that as long as I see the meaning in these moments I should take care to remember it's there even when life is less casually dressed. I focused my thoughts on a few relationship issues I feel keep repeating themselves...only I've been told that it's unhealthy to compare these things...because eventually they just turn into one lumped sum. When originally they were completely seperate situations/experiences. One of my used to be close friends is visiting my home town from long distances and staying with current close friends of my family's. Actually my bosses house; anyway I was at work the other day and he called (I answer the phones) he was like "hi johanna it's sam, may I speak to mary jo?". No "hey how are ya? I haven't seen you for like a year..." or any acknowledgement of the familiarity that used to be. Of course I play along, summoning the pretender within...it bothers me so much to fake this indifference, but it's most definitely a defense. I've never been an excellent confronter, for fear of causing offense and awkwardness that is too large for me to handle. For fear that God won't really pull through showing the two people involved a better definition of grace and Christ's intense loving. I have, since things reduced themselves to a complete avoidance with friend sam here, learned to be a little more brave...because the tension in longing to conquer such piddly misunderstandings has increased within me to a point of over coming my fear and insecurity...but I'm still rather vague and dodgy. Gah...I lost my train of thought. Isaiah and Little George have entered my room. I suppose I should stop thinking about what is done, and try a for the bettering of relationships present and those to come. God give me grace...and a little gentle insight. ****edit****I remember now something else I was going to say.I guess I could be more considerate of how he was feeling. Even though I feel like these things that seperated us were small misunderstandings I can't force my understanding and perception on him...it's like when I am alone in a room with someone I don't know very well and decide to be comfortable with silence, because I've tasted this comfort in the presence of dear and well known friends...I've forced an understanding I know I have found ease in, all without considering what the other person is comfortable with. I just think it would have been better if we ended talking things out, so we would have been given the option to say "well hey it's been nice hanging out, but I need to head a different direction now. I love you and will see ya in heaven." Yeah that would have made all the difference :) whatever...go get ready for work Johanna.

It irks me to know that I can finish 8 ounces of soda, chicken tenders and potato wedges without stomach ailment. I cannot however take a chewable vitamin B complex without serious belly aches and gag reflexes. Seriously I have to do something about this. The other annoying thing is that consuming all the above listed items, takes about the same amount of time. I've had a revelation about thinking people. We like to sit and think. We sit and think. Instead of tossing our hips into a walking step forward and gathering infomation along the way. I maybe let my weight transfer three or four times before stopping everything to mull over what I just saw...a boy with dreads who winked and walked away, a girl who's crazy antics distract even her, a boy who smokes, puffing laughter when his friends are around, but sighs, billowing white when they are gone. It may sound oh so poetic, but where's the practicality? Where are the built relationships? I want to designate my thinking, so that when the opportunity presents itself to be a part of the life I think about so often, I'll live it...and leave my regrets of thinking about it too much without action behind. I don't want to be vacant, I want the awareness and desire to learn to mix with interaction. For conversations to explode without thinking about how they came to be. To lay in bed reflecting on how much was said, and enjoying that as much as I do when clouds move across the sky. I want God to have His way with me and this world, but I won't cling so tightly to the insight of how that's going to be done. If surrender is learning to let the drool roll off my lip while I smile up at God with innocent wonder....then I'll accept that

I sat outside lemonjello's this evening.Robin, Miller and I had a grass fight.Then the sprinklers went off. I sat for a little longer than was at all necessary.Confused was I on where the spray was coming from.

A week in Rochester, NY with all the people you love does my body good. Or bad...after participating in one afternoon class with PUSH Physical Theatre, (lots of partnering and lifts), as well as one ass kicking capoeira class, and to top it all off an intense game of midnight soccer (it all happened within 24 hours), I am left with quite a bit of muscular discomfort.I made three goals in the soccer game. Pretty good for a girl who hasn't kicked a ball since her trip to Mexico 5 years ago. I'm pretty sure the boys were impressed.I have late night conversations, city lights, loud activities, and pictures of beautiful faces buzzing my mind around a fog of exhaustion. I can't describe, or don't really desire too I should say....how much I love my friends over there. I just do. I guess that's enough. I feel slightly depressed...but I guess that's normal after leaving a little bit of heaven. Not that where I am is hell. No, it's quite the opposite, some conversations I had last week drew me near to this conclusion. I am confused in some areas, but the clarity of living and interaction is there...God is faithful...my trust is his. Life's a journey and I'll rest in the motion. I got to go to the grafitti walls finally...it was most trash-glamourous. I guess it's the only place in the city where spray paint art is legal....it's simply life changing...a sort of un-natural wonder. Someday I'm going to sit there and write until my finger tips blister. blah - blah - blah. I had fun. Bodda bing bodda boom. I'm afraid this entry is pretty bad. But hey.

Yes...yes...it's true. I am in a hardcore chic band. And yes that is a wig I'm wearing. Robin if you weren't leaving me for Georgia you'd be lead vocalist. But I still live in hopes of the day that you and I will room together in a monastery. Which seemingly is the only good place to find a man these days. I'll let you have the drunken friar, as long as my monk has side swept bang action I'll be satisfied. Niah and Drew reminded me today that it's our one year anniversary. We all met a year ago today. I thought Drew was an Italian...but found out quick that he wasn't. Must have been the long hair and olive complexion. The comment option is coming soon...I just don't feel like catering to your complaints at the moment. When I say soon...that means when I do feel like it in August.
*Shimmy shimmy*

This is the moment in which I get to sigh about a weekend that was pretty much heavenly. Cornerstone was all I wanted it to be...Next year I will attend the entire festival as a vendor. Robin's coming with me, and most certainly be discovered for her advance giftings. Saw many dear and familiar faces...something that doesn't happen for anyone but me apparantly. Two of them I hadn't seen for several months in a row here in Holland...it's so weird how it takes getting out to get in :p Dad was thoroughly impressed with Over The Rhine...but then again is that any surprise? We booked it home in order to spend time with Isaiah and Elise. Today was the best 4th of July I've had in a long time. Check out these fireworks...mmm...ssss....