Today was an appropriate thinking day. I was asked by a friend to help out at a golf course publicity thing...he's a landscape designer and had sponsored 5 holes at a golf outing for area home builders. It was downcast, I wrapped myself in a sweatshirt that wasn't mine, and only saw people when they came to putt at my hole. Heh. The wind was beautifully annoying...I had papers sitting on the table before me, and found double purposes for my ipod and cell phone, excellent paperweights they were...for a little while anyway. This was before the wind pitched my ipod to the grass and slapped me across the forehead with posterboard. I really did love it though. It's in those moments I find meaning...which makes me feel completely useless to God and all mankind, but I realized today for perhaps the first time that as long as I see the meaning in these moments I should take care to remember it's there even when life is less casually dressed. I focused my thoughts on a few relationship issues I feel keep repeating themselves...only I've been told that it's unhealthy to compare these things...because eventually they just turn into one lumped sum. When originally they were completely seperate situations/experiences. One of my used to be close friends is visiting my home town from long distances and staying with current close friends of my family's. Actually my bosses house; anyway I was at work the other day and he called (I answer the phones) he was like "hi johanna it's sam, may I speak to mary jo?". No "hey how are ya? I haven't seen you for like a year..." or any acknowledgement of the familiarity that used to be. Of course I play along, summoning the pretender within...it bothers me so much to fake this indifference, but it's most definitely a defense. I've never been an excellent confronter, for fear of causing offense and awkwardness that is too large for me to handle. For fear that God won't really pull through showing the two people involved a better definition of grace and Christ's intense loving. I have, since things reduced themselves to a complete avoidance with friend sam here, learned to be a little more brave...because the tension in longing to conquer such piddly misunderstandings has increased within me to a point of over coming my fear and insecurity...but I'm still rather vague and dodgy. Gah...I lost my train of thought. Isaiah and Little George have entered my room. I suppose I should stop thinking about what is done, and try a for the bettering of relationships present and those to come. God give me grace...and a little gentle insight. ****edit****I remember now something else I was going to say.I guess I could be more considerate of how he was feeling. Even though I feel like these things that seperated us were small misunderstandings I can't force my understanding and perception on him...it's like when I am alone in a room with someone I don't know very well and decide to be comfortable with silence, because I've tasted this comfort in the presence of dear and well known friends...I've forced an understanding I know I have found ease in, all without considering what the other person is comfortable with. I just think it would have been better if we ended talking things out, so we would have been given the option to say "well hey it's been nice hanging out, but I need to head a different direction now. I love you and will see ya in heaven." Yeah that would have made all the difference :) whatever...go get ready for work Johanna.