The saddest tale ever told.

I commited my first road killing today.

There were two beavers on the side of the road, one ran in front of me, while it's friend was watching from the ditch. I slowed (didn't swerve), then stopped, right on top of the little creature. Not only did I hit him, but I hit him at a slow roll...so I got to get a good look at his face which was turned toward me when it happened. I saw his eyes and gapped teeth before I clunked him with my low bumper. The noise was awful, but I had to keep driving because there were cars behind me.

I gasped and groaned to my mom about his little friend that saw it all happen. I pictured the smart beaver checking both ways, before he ran to sniff his friend's coarse coat...and cry a little beaver cry.

I don't like killing things at all, makes me turn into a watery mess.

I found this in the aforementioned book of poetry. I think...I'm...in love.

Currently Listening
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
By Bright Eyes
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Johanna

I've seen you every day this week,
The way the wind sees to the ruffle
Of thick ivy on building faces.
What I mean is: I create these visions--

Johanna at the supermarket rapping knuckles
On the husks of cantaloupes.
No one hears the green shades of fruit
The way you would, produce aisle,

All those Tuesdays I forgot to count.
And you'd spend half an hour picking
A single Fuji apple, you,
The Johanna who picked me.

You bit so carefully into the flesh
The juice would never spray your chin;
You, Johanna with the soft touch,
The welcome mat eyes,

Stop coming to me in flashes
To leave me camera-blind.
Stop splotching my world, Johanna.
Start tinting it.

Kent DeWayne Smith

Copyright ©2006 Kent Dewayne Smith

My Momma

I told my parents that I am probably going to go white water rafting whilst in Colorado...a couple weeks from now. They gave me shocked stares, and shared how the idea made them a little uncomfortable.

Mom told me tonight, that I need to leave all my internet passwords in an envelope with my belongings, just in case something happens to me on the rapids.

I love her.

It's in these moments.

I think I might be going a little bit insane.

I hate saying it, I hate complaining about where I'm at...because I'm sure, a month or few days from now, when I'm moving, and feeling useful or productive. Where I want to be active, and serving...I'll be just fine. For now though, I'm just plain frustrated, and bored. By that I mean, creatively bored. The only creativeness I have enough energy for, is in choosing colors for blog backgrounds, and in choosing my outfit for the day. Perhaps this is okay...but it is tiresome to me, I feel restless, and incapable.

I'm of the mind that nothing will change, unless I make the decision to get out of this funk. That I need to go deeper in prayer, turn off my computer for a couple of days...and delve deep into the things I used to be in tune with. It's my fault that I'm here, no one can get me out of it, except Jesus, and yet I'm doing everything to keep my mind occupied with distraction.

I had a flickering of peace rise within me today, when I took Isaiah to the park. He always wants me to climb the equipment with him, and I always feel shy, because all the mom's are around with their kids, and I don't want to be responsible for plowing someone over...so I carefully told him that he should choose a child near by to play tag with him. He whined to me, that he knew they'd "just say no" if he asked...I spotted a little girl in stained khaki shorts and pink tennis shoes, pushing her blonde tangled hair away from her face with fists full of sand. I instantly decided that I liked her, she seemed open, and fearless so I pointed her out to Isaiah and told him to ask her to play. He walked up behind her, with his hands behind his back, and just watched her until she turned around and looked at him...he then gave her a nervous wave, she said a quick "hi" and they were on their way. Soon her siblings all came to join them, and Isaiah had four friends to run with for the next 45 minutes. I sat and talked to their mom about home schooling...and it was refreshing, I felt a bit of me being revived in the sunshine. Another little thing too...I'm not sure of the significance, if there is any...I woke up this morning with the name Isaac on my mind, which I thought was super strange. Then at the park, my heart was all a flutter because the brother of that little girl that Isaiah started playing with was named Isaac...I kept hearing his name being yelled across the playground, and for some reason it kept me alert. I don't know...I'm not connecting thoughts here very well, probably because there isn't much to connect, but I felt today that maybe there is a deeper reality to be tapped into, that I've been ignoring for more mundane musings.

Nothing here but wondering...sorry if I've bored you. It is my blog though. I'm going to finish reading about Daniel asking God for wisdom...and how he didn't whine about life.

Bah...Minimalism.

Currently Listening
Sounds of Silence
By Simon & Garfunkel


I go through these phases, where I am very stereotypically, a girl. I will take forty-five minutes to do my hair, and pace in front the mirror, after trying my third outfit of the day on.

I hit the phase yesterday after I painted my dresser. I made a plan as I sat around in a pair of Niah's old camoflauge shorts and an oversized sweatshirt, to clean my room...I would empty my dresser, paint it, and while it was drying, I would go through my clothes finally getting rid of all that is unnecessary, and keeping only what I really like and wear regularly. I ended up only pulling the underwear that I bought and never wore, because I got them two sizes to big (mom always bought me my panties untill recently)...I discovered that I do like everything in my wardrobe, and that I could probably make an effort to wear everything on a regular basis. Besides my favorite jeans will last longer if I put them on rotation. Just like Xach and his favorite socks.

So today I changed twice, and struggled with vanity a little, but this is the way I see it. The more I am brave in the way that I dress, the less aware of myself I will become, because it will soon become a normalcy to me if I am consistant. I will not feel full of myself, or narcissistic...as long as I can refrain from taking photo's of myself daily for this blog and other such trifles. I mean if you treat a dog as if it's a part of your family, gradually it will believe that to be true, right?

My dad made a comment the other day, because I commented on an artist's sketch and how it would be an awesome print for a tee, that I often am looking at things and making them into clothes.

So there, I like clothes, I like to wear them, I like to make them, and give them to other people. There has to be some good in that, besides whatever snoodyness I have them in my mind affiliated with.

making small talk with waiters and truck driving men.

Check out my nature scene.



It was only $4.99 at the Flying J. I have one complaint and that is, I wish the bobcat were a wolf, and that there were a crescent moon in the background for it to howl at. But you can't pay for the shirt and design it I guess.

I like to listen to Rosie Thomas, especially her song Wedding Day, because something in the spirit of her song, makes me feel feisty. I know I'll probably never actually go skinny dipping, but I can at least be liberated to the point of it being some sort of ridiculous romantic dream of mine, and keep it at that...because that's all my heart needs, is to simply want to do it. That's probably still safe, but I'm not ready to be caught elsewhere, or naked. I do think that God has created me to be somewhat of a wild child, and that I should try to stop squelching that. Please don't misunderstand that, I'm of the mind, more so after spending time in scripture and Annie Dillard's writing (see how i put those hand in hand?) , that wildness stands with conviction for things like purity, truth, and beauty.

Perhaps I'll write more on that later, or maybe I'll try to make conversation with you about it, next time we speak.

I enjoyed Mother's Day today, my Momma she's alright.

"I love you. Oh...sorry not you, the person standing behind you."

I really hope that the next time I go to bed at 2:30 am, smoothly, without any trouble going to sleep. Not to wake up bright eyed, at 8 am, thinking the thoughts that normally cause my insomnia. Just because that'd be really nice. I miss, long, hard sleeps.

I talked to my friend Topher last night. The discussion rolled around affirmation, how seeking it from the wrong sources will make you insane (depending of course on your personality type, it could also make you arrogant), until you get it from that source and your balloon fills with air. Your mind can rest for a full two days dwelling on it, being happy, feeling useful and appreciated, then deflated at the first sign of disregard from a stranger...and again begins the cycle. At least if you're me, then you see way more often the ways people whom don't honestly know you, treat you with indifference, and are bothered by it. I get this sort of stubborness that says "I'll make you like me, because I like you, and it hurts my feelings that you don't really notice me." While I have about ten people standing behind me, and noticing. Kind of makes me feel sick to admit.

I think it's normal for any creative being, while they're making something, to have an audience in mind...for whom they're playing their music, or writing their poetry, and painting a picture for. Some people have simply themselves pictured in the crowd, and I admire that, but I also think even these, have seperated themselves, to withdraw from the hurt of encouragement that didn't come from their list of important sources. I noticed the other night, and it made me cry, that when I want to talk to someone...I picture odd, and hardly known people from my past. Friendships that barely lasted a year, but nonetheless wetted my appetite in being understood, and accomplishing comfort in keeping my lips loose.

I know this is not because every one around me ignores me...quite the contrary honestly. It's simply because I don't like feeling ignored, and so when I do, I focus deeply on that. Creating some issues in the psyche, that have nothing to do with that pure love I always talk about, or God, but a simple minded stubborness, that seeks only to fulfill desirous needs. I need to know, why relationships change, and if I changed it by being stupid, so I can fix it.

These realizations hurt more then any rejection I thought I felt.

I can rest in open love. Bathe in the ever flowing streams of affirmation, and warm myself with acceptance...if only I'd extricate the thoughts in my sub-conscious, and truly, no matter how self serving...and cliche' it sounds to say...were to seek my source in the Lord.

Sometimes the cliche' things are the best things, because they're widely understood and true, so you don't have to write about it, you can just live it. Mmm...that's an irritating thought, to have upon finishing