"I love you. Oh...sorry not you, the person standing behind you."

I really hope that the next time I go to bed at 2:30 am, smoothly, without any trouble going to sleep. Not to wake up bright eyed, at 8 am, thinking the thoughts that normally cause my insomnia. Just because that'd be really nice. I miss, long, hard sleeps.

I talked to my friend Topher last night. The discussion rolled around affirmation, how seeking it from the wrong sources will make you insane (depending of course on your personality type, it could also make you arrogant), until you get it from that source and your balloon fills with air. Your mind can rest for a full two days dwelling on it, being happy, feeling useful and appreciated, then deflated at the first sign of disregard from a stranger...and again begins the cycle. At least if you're me, then you see way more often the ways people whom don't honestly know you, treat you with indifference, and are bothered by it. I get this sort of stubborness that says "I'll make you like me, because I like you, and it hurts my feelings that you don't really notice me." While I have about ten people standing behind me, and noticing. Kind of makes me feel sick to admit.

I think it's normal for any creative being, while they're making something, to have an audience in mind...for whom they're playing their music, or writing their poetry, and painting a picture for. Some people have simply themselves pictured in the crowd, and I admire that, but I also think even these, have seperated themselves, to withdraw from the hurt of encouragement that didn't come from their list of important sources. I noticed the other night, and it made me cry, that when I want to talk to someone...I picture odd, and hardly known people from my past. Friendships that barely lasted a year, but nonetheless wetted my appetite in being understood, and accomplishing comfort in keeping my lips loose.

I know this is not because every one around me ignores me...quite the contrary honestly. It's simply because I don't like feeling ignored, and so when I do, I focus deeply on that. Creating some issues in the psyche, that have nothing to do with that pure love I always talk about, or God, but a simple minded stubborness, that seeks only to fulfill desirous needs. I need to know, why relationships change, and if I changed it by being stupid, so I can fix it.

These realizations hurt more then any rejection I thought I felt.

I can rest in open love. Bathe in the ever flowing streams of affirmation, and warm myself with acceptance...if only I'd extricate the thoughts in my sub-conscious, and truly, no matter how self serving...and cliche' it sounds to say...were to seek my source in the Lord.

Sometimes the cliche' things are the best things, because they're widely understood and true, so you don't have to write about it, you can just live it. Mmm...that's an irritating thought, to have upon finishing