While I drove home yesterday, I thought of Riley Armstrong a whole lot. When he was still traveling by himself he'd post these video clips on his website. We used to go to his site regularly just to catch the newest one, oh how we laughed. I was thinking about how I used to say I'd never drink coffee, and then I tried to remember how many cups I had to help my mornings along in the weekend past. This all came to be, because I remembered one of Riley's videos, and how he claimed coffee was more effective when poured straight into the eyes. I finally saw his point, as I drove on I-96 squinting and feeling sore around the eyelashes. I still opted to drink my kahlua flavored cappucchino though. I started thinking about his videos again as I was cleaning my room just now. As I picked up my dictionary off the floor, I had another reminiscent thought...three years ago my aunt had Riley play a show in Holland, it was July 20th and my 16th birthday. We helped at the day long event, then had a party at my house afterwards. Riley had to go to Washington next, but asked if he could come over and hang out for awhile. We were like "umm...of course." At the party, he and my friend Isaiah Hoogendyk were talking. Isaiah (a linguistic major, and soon to be Professor) somehow got on the subject of how he used to read his parents encyclopedia collection as a kid. Riley looked at him with eyes crazed in disbelief, he said his parents had an encyclopedia collection too, but he only remembers looking at them while drawing with crayon on the pages. I felt a little crazy as I laughed out loud in an empty house. Oh how I love that guy.

Currently Reading: Everything That Rises Must Converge By Flannery O'Connor: see related

Today was long and full. It could've been staying up until 4am this morn (watching one of the most beautifully made films ever), then waking up wide eyed at 10 that did it. Perhaps it was driving the distance between Deetroit and Holland, with only 22 songs about Illinois to keep me company. I don't really know...I got full off of the hug Isaiah gave me when I came in the door. We sat on the living room rug talking about his weekend, he showed me his new power ranger transformer robot and told me about the dream he had last night. Apparently I got married, and never came home to see him again. So he just ran away. Then I layed outside on the trampoline reading, and watched the tree over head grip and tug on the wind with it's branches.Later dad, saiah and I went to Goodwill. I bought two pairs of pants at three bucks a pop, using my left over gas money to pay. Yes I did say 'left over'. Dad listened to me ramble off my ideas on "Being Anointed" as we rode home...I told mom later that we had a discussion about it, he said that I was the only one who talked. He was probably right. Sometimes I feel like a frantic young pup, an annoying tripping hazard. That's okay though, because I have lots of old dogs for friends, and I'm blessed to have them around to sober me up. Never will a pup rest so hard as I will tonight though...let me tell you. Tommorow I'll attempt to be adult about things, but apparantly the new opinion is that no one reaches adult hood truly until they've purchased all the major household appliances. I know for a fact that my left over gas money will not cover such an expense. I'm destined for immaturity for at least five more years.

Per Robin's encouragement, I am posting another real journal entry.Viewer discretion is advised.I am, upon the coming of fall, a romantic. At first exposure to 60 degree weather my skin tightens, and I’m excited to take walks outside, as I can watch subdued sunlight filter through moving clouds and cast it’s grey light on the grass and trees. I gaze, I hope, I dream of a hand to hold, an arm to curve around my shoulders. And for some strange reason am comforted by simply the ideas. I walk content to be alone, watching my own feet take steps and arms held tight around my middle. I even caught myself the other night walking indoors with this posture. Niah had taken me out for a panini sandwich, then we afterwards progressed to Barnes and Noble. Upon arriving we separated, to peruse the isles of society’s latest and greatest entertainment. I hit up the music section, dwelling most comfortably on my dreams and wishes. It was here that I noticed a set of handsomely clad feet, just a few steps ahead and to the left of me. I let my eyes creep up, up past the shiny square toed shoes, the grey slacks and the well fitted white button down, then to the back of the nicely styled head of black hair. He was wearing headphones.I passed, turning toward the organized albums, starting with “s” only feeling heat in my cheeks for a second. My glancing eyes forgotten for the titles and prices, I was startled when I heard a guy ask “Is there anything I can help you find?” I turned for sure thinking that the question wasn’t being directed at me...but the same young, very good looking man definitely had his eyes and smile fixed on me (I also realized I was the only person in that section of the store). I smiled and let the honest response fall from my lips, “No thanks, I’m just looking around.” He continued to smile, so we stood a little and I noticed him notice me - twice he scanned me from my newly styled hair to my skirt and shoes. Not in a way that made me feel his sleeze, but in a way that made me feel solely appreciated. A gentle admirable way. I smiled and said “thanks though.”, he nodded and stood still smiling at me, I turned to scanning and rattling cd’s distractedly. I could tell he was still looking at me, he came up beside me twice, pulling cd’s forward, then pushing them back. He came, on both sides, and each time I scooted accordingly to make a bit more room between us. I fought the urge to look up...if I looked up and he really were still looking at me, I’d probably let my throat lurch and he’d see for sure, that thing moving in my eyes. What would I have to say if he did want to talk to me? I stayed looking down, like a social retard until I heard him move back to his listening post...I kind of tried to inconspicuously move around the perimeter of the section before walking through the theft monitors into the greater portion of the store. Once I was out, I felt as though fresh air were cooling my face. Finding the drinking fountain I gulped a few, and breathed. The why questions came soon after as I looked at books by beloved authors, and felt at peace with my aloneness...my superior invisible act. Then 60 second encounter was pretty much right on with my fall day dreams. Why did it make me squirm so? What was so threatening to me about him flashing me secrets of admiration in his eyes? Isn’t that what I long for after watching Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice? It’s one thing to run away from those skanky visual feel ups. To want to run home, shower and dress myself in a burlap sack is not so uncalled after such affairs. What is wrong though with looking someone safe in the eye (yes I can assess who’s safe within 30 seconds or less), without freaking out? I know I freak, because I don’t know what to expect...I don’t know how to respond to the reality of action being taken. I can’t think it out on the spot, and I most definitely can’t announce my mental congestion to said party without sounding ridiculous. Either way I am ridiculous, perhaps I'll read this and laugh someday. Laugh like I do now at the picture my parents blew up of me and a certain crush...when it's a distant memory in a journal I long ago filled up. I'm mortified for the time being, but...changes do come.

So I'm back in Michigan with a bit of whirl wind experience under my belt. I will linger in Belleville for tonight, and then head home tomorrow, but not before I make one very important pit stop at Calvin College. I have two words for you... Sufjan
and
Baby Consider my adoration an obsession if you want, I simply call it a crush. I'm tired but don't feel like sleeping much, I need to learn to process verbally I think...else this imploding mind causes me an untimely death due too sleep deprivation or just a plain waste of energy. What is there to figure out tonight anyway? I should just pray for sweet sleep and leave it at that...that's what I think I will do after this. :) I like the people I travel with, I like listening to them talk, and the colors that flash by windows in our moving vehicle. Which I meant to take a picture of, I'm not very good at describing things involving mechanics...it's cool though, big and white, and I sleep on the top of a triple bunk. I like being a nanny too...I hang out with 21 month old Eden whilst mommy and daddy do their sound checks and performances. I didn't have access to wireless all the time, so I had write things down in my real journal...I'll share a little bit with you now.9/8/05I balanced Eden on my hip as we walked away from her parents...she whined, pointing at all the dark rooms she wanted to explore. I tried to distract her with silly tidbits of conversation...and she heard none of it. I finally thought to ask her about something worth her attention. “Eden do you want to see Jesus?” She stopped verbalizing, her finger held still in the air above my shoulder, and said “Yes.” When we first arrived at this old world Pennsylvanian Church we stood in the lobby unsure of where to put ourselves. We had admired the exterior, in all it’s prestige of cobblestone and large red doors, framed at the top peak with stained glass. Both sets of red doors had been locked and we had to enter through plain glass doors into the lobby. I set the tiny girl down to have a look around and she took off to follow Drew into the empty sanctuary. I rounded the corner just in time to see him open wooden doors into the dark room, the only light came from the large stain glass windows...It was quite lovely, the colored light showed us wooden pews covered in red velvet and the golden crosses at a carpeted altar...Eden walked up to the prettiest window of all, pointed and chattered about the depiction of “Jeshush.” I decided to see if she ’d be pleased to return to the sight...this time we found the light switch, since the lights outside had long faded, and Jesus no longer glowed with the sunset. I set her on her own feet, she walked a few steps reminiscing about “Dew” and “Jeshush”. Her eyes were fixed on the same glass window, she stopped walking and sighed. “Jeshush.” She stood in a moment of stillness, then began weaving a way through the pews, and up to the steps of the altar where she stopped again, reaching for my hand. We climbed the steps and she sighed again. This little girl was showing me peace in one of the most profound, and inexplicable ways. I thought about this and sighed myself, before starting to feel slightly uncomfortable at our familiar exploration, we were tromping in a place of worship, where only the soft padding of men dressed in robes had been after the little boys had lit candles. The congregation would be led in song from our platform, by the choir I could hear practicing upstairs. The realization bothered me for only a little while. We approach the throne everyday, and the only difference now was that I was getting a visual, glimpsing into where my whining prayers take me, when all of me is focused on my requests, unconscious of the weight that exists outside. The glory of God, the great gifts I've received in just drawing near to Him. I should maybe feel a little strange in such presence and recognition. I followed pigtails to the door...she sighed once more as I lifted her to push the button allowing the lights to fade.

Well it's 12:54 am...and I'm still awake, not
vibrantly so. You know how
it is. Just got back from one of my favorite places
to go, a little
coffee shop here in town. Picture a place about the
size of your
average living room (the walls are painted a
glorious orange) with
photography hanging and a few works by local
artists, nothing grand in
size...I love the coffee smell; though I've made the
decision not to
drink coffee.

One - I don't like it black, which I hear is the
best way to drink it if
you're even going to. I only like it cold,
solidified, and pumped full
of chocolate fudgey-ness.

Two - the last time I drank cofee was at 10:30 last
saturday night...I
couldn't force my eyelids to close until 4 am the
next morning. Then
the next day I had to keep flooding my body with
caffine to operate (all
solutions included sugar), I didn't want to miss
anything that day,
seeing how we had good friends from Ohio visiting.

No more coffee...i did have tea tonight though.
Maybe that's why I'm
still not sleeping. Back to Saturday when I didn't
sleep. I ended up
writing in my notebook, without stopping to correct
myself. I just
unloaded...It was refreshing, I haven't done that in
a long time...if
ever like that, where the thoughts just flowed.
Maybe I'll just post it
on here tomorrow. I guess I'm revisiting it because
it happened exactly
a week ago. Since I'm doing almost the same thing
as I did then, I was
reminded.

Okay well I'm ending here. G'night.


Posted at 9/12/2004 1:14:59 AM