Well my medium sized duffle bag is packed...Rochacha
here she comes.
Due to my travels this will be my last entry for a
month, I'm going to
try really hard to make it so. Yesterday I was home
all day, and I think
I checked my email five times, and xanga something
like 20 times. I
think I did get a record of 6 comments....that's a
lot for this little
college town girl. Regardless, I need to break
myself of a habit...if
it's a habit, I can't enjoy it, because then
conviction comes. Maybe I
just need to make more friends...I don't know, it's
hard because my
friends are scattered here and there, making it hard
to communicate
without assistance from electronical device. I think
of that song by
Riley, "crumbs of man"...I feel like I'm letting
motivation waste
away...to completely steal his idea there...but when
it's already been
said, and said perfectly, why not? I feel isolated,
I think that's
because I have so much invested into my own self
right now, when I'm
around people I am frustrated, because I want to get
past myself...get
past the insecurity, and love. When I try to express
this in words, I
end up talking for a half hour, leaving no room for
the other person to
talk about their week, or life...I think I've only
loved myself here. I
don't know...some things are meant to be felt and
shown without words I
guess.
I think this is all to vague for you to get a true
idea, but my fingers
are rolling.
You want to know what I'm looking forward to the
most? As silly as it
may sound...my layover in Cincy, I'll be there for
an hour or so, by
myself. I'm totally taking advantage of this, to
sort thoughts in prayer
and writing that only I will see. I'm thinking part
of my problem is
that I'm considering too many things on the same
level of thought
processing..."why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on
what does not satisfy?" Isaiah 55:2a
The context of this chapter in it's entirety holds a
lot of truth for my
situation I know...I am pulling it apart, but what I
gather from it now,
is that I'm wasting my resources and stressing
myself out. umm...I think
I'll stop here.

Mom and I are running errands in a bit...I'm
dropping she and Isaiah at
Hobby Lobby and am making a dash for the wooden shoe
factory. I have
this medium sized shoe that I found at a thrift
store...I'm getting a
friend's name burned into it. I can't say more....I
don't think they
read this, but just in case. I have to keep the
information limited. :)
It will be fun though...a lot more fun than buying a
toothbrush. I had
to make a specific trip to buy a toothbrush the
other day...I've never
had to think about buying a toothbrush before...my
mom just always used
to pick those up when they were on sale, but I'm
becoming more
independant by the day, and these things are now my
responsibility. :) I
don't mind one bit, but it just was strange to
me...in the end I spent
three friggin' dollars on a crazily striped bristled
stick, with
polishers (little rubber inserts, hidden between
soft bristles, yeah.)

Happy Christmas to you all! I'm sure I'll be seeing
most of you, but if
not...enjoy yourselves.

Meg and I were bubbling over with delight. I think I
was a bit more
girlish about it all, seeing how there is a rather
large age gap between
us two. Which I look upon with a slight sadness
every so often, but I
know when I am 26 I'll be teasing her and her hubby
about how ancient
they are. :) I am in no way ready to be 26
now...anyways...a man named
Griffin House opened the show up. He was quite good,
he, his guitar,
friend, and friend's piano. Then we had to sit and
listen to a couple
anouncements, I drifted in and out of listening...I
perked up quite a
bit when he talked about the winter music fest.
Sufjan Stevens will be
in Grand Rapids people. I commited to go, then and
there. I can't
remember the exact dates, but this is only a minor
detail.

The show began on this happy note, and I was off.
Hands wringing in my
lap, pure excitement. Silent Night was the first
song they played...I've
sung along many times with their version on Darkest
Night Of The Year.
The natural urge was there out of habit and joy to
sing along with
Karin, but the thought of it embarassed me, and I
was ashamed of the
times I've attempted the feat. I am amazed at the
way she and Linford
play songs that I already consider to be quite like
perfection, but then
they turn around and make it more glorious than
before, causing new
chills to tickle my veins.

I keep taking breaks as I type this...I guess it's
one of those things
that I'm still holding dear in my heart. I really do
like Over The
Rhine. I've never been to any show that makes me
feel as much as thiers
does...I remember talking to Elise after seeing my
first show of them in
Dayton. I told her that it was amazing, but I that I
left with a pretty
deep sadness. I couldn't understand why that
was...she stated that she
always considered that feeling to be a bit of
homesickness. I looked at
her confused. She finished the thought like
this..."When you experience
beauty on earth, I think we have a brief
understanding of what it will
be like in heaven...when the beauty is over, the
understanding stops and
we miss it." I probably am not doing her words
justice, but you get the
idea I hope. I'm not saying I worship the band, just
that they provide
for me some genuine beauty here on earth...I am
thankful for that.

Over The Rhine, Meg and I tomorrow night....I'm
stoked, utterly and
completely. So psyched that it's all I'm thinking
about, besides my
travels to homelands away from home in a week :). I
found a plane ticket
for dirt cheap to Rochester, NY...I'll be able to go
to the PUSH
Apprentice Christmas Party. I was almost irritated
that they even sent
Niah and I an invitation, because I thought "there's
no way." However
the way came...Niah is extremely sad, because he
performs that weekend.
I am sad too, and almost didn't continue with the
plans, for the guilt.
It's still hard, I don't want to be to excited,
because then he'll feel
like I'm rubbing it in. Anyway...it's going to be
busy. I get home the
22nd...Grandma gets married the 27th. I leave for
Nashville on the
28th...

As a matter of fact. I can't believe I'm sitting
here on xanga, when I
have like a gazillion presents to make. Doh!

mmm...want to post, but don't rightly know what
about I should post.
Isaiah had his six year old birthday party today.
Niah and I were the
supervisors, we watched four little munchkins at the
community pool. I
took lots of pictures, because they were cute. I'm
having fun with
photographs, and sometimes think that I'd enjoy
getting into the art of
photography...taking classes and such. However, I
think I have to many
things I'm into, and don't keep up on, that I
shouldn't add any more to
the unorganized pile.
Speaking of which I have physical therapy in the
morning...and haven't
done a single exercise they've asked me too.
Consistancy is what causes
improvment...I don't practice that in any area of my
life. Dangit.

Back to Saiah's birthday party...mom and dad stayed
home and put
together "Happy Birthday Isaiah Meals" for the
little ones. Complete
with hamburger, fries, and a toy surprise. I even
printed out paper bags
with his face on it. Fun times...

I found this soundtrack at Goodwill last friday
night...I love the
movie, but never thought of the music really, but
because I love the
movie I'm totally diggin' the soundtrack.

Oh but this morning hit me hard in another way...on
Tuesday I had to get
up early to take my dad to work, and instead of
putting my shoes on, I
opted for laziness and left in my cookie monster
slippers that Elena
gave me last year for Christmas. So dad and I are
driving along, and
everything is swell. I dropped him off and headed
home. I hit River
Avenue, and I hear this flapping roar, and I look in
my review mirror to
figure out which obnoxious car behind me is making
the racket. They were
all pretty nice cars (typical of Hollanders), so I
thought "it might be
the expresso machine." I looked to the side of the
road where the
construction workers were to see if any of them
would flag me down to
tell me that the van was on fire. They acted normal,
and since there was
really no where to pull off I kept driving. As I
approached the Civic
Center, the stirring wheel started rattling, so I
pulled into the
parking lot (could not have been more perfect timing
there *smiles at
Jesus*.) I shuffled out of the car, (wearing cookie
monsters on your
feet makes it hard to do anything else.) and sure
enough I had a pancake
tire. I had my cell phone, so I called home...but
since I had the only
vehicle there was nothing my mom could do. I knew
one thing, I would not
be traipsing about town in my slippers. I got
someone to pick me up, I
don't know him that well so it was a little awkward,
maybe just for me.
He thought it was funny. I left the van there until
dad attached a
hamster wheel, and that's how we've been driving the
"E machine" since
then. Yesterday I took it to work, Mary Jo asked to
borrow it to go to
her appointment. I said "just be gentle, she's got a
gimpy wheel." I
drove it home all emotional later, and did not
notice any difference.

This morning at 7:30 dad asked me if I knew what was
wrong with the
tires. I was a little freaked out, and answered
"No." He told me then
that all but one had been replaced. I wanted to cry
for thankfulness
this morning, but I guess most of my tears come when
I'm selfishly
consumed with my own sorry-ness. I am blessed, my
family's blessed.
There's got to be a better word that I'm not using
here.

I started my day off hitting the snooze button, the
morning hit me
hard...another sleepless night last night due to my
"imploding" mind as
Lukey put it so fantastically once. My mom's
mentioned a couple of times
that a lack of sleeping is often a common trait of
depression. I'd
prefer to think that I'm just to lazy to handle my
own emotions, or that
this is a faze of oppressive thoughts and will soon
pass. I think it's
mostly due to my anxiety about wanting to stride
forth independantly,
and do the things God has planned for me to do. The
anxiety comes, when
I'm facing my dreams, and suddenly forget why I ever
wanted them.

I had to go to work, and pretend like none of this
exists. Mary Jo was
there for a bit, and I always get a little
distracted by her presence in
the shop. I want to talk when I see her :) I want to
hear her talk
too...and we did a bit of that as I sat pricing
things that she's
setting aside for a yard sale in the spring. It was
sort of slow at the
hot tub store today. It was good, until I let a
completely impatient
customer have rule over my emotion. I wasn't moving
quick enough for
her, while I the only one in the store was trying to
provide good
customer service for her and another person (who was
first). She made me
feel completely insecure, the old me rose up as I
shook with a sense of
failure and fumbled with her change. There was no
time for logical
reasoning, and when she left I was rendered
completely. I managed to
pretend to be alright until I got home, and the
frusteration with myself
could no longer be ignored. I wasn't so upset with
the disgruntled lady,
as I was with the fact that I gave her the power to
ruin my afternoon.
She was only buying a scum bug after all.

I was home broke down, and then let sufjan help me
choke down my tears
while driving to get Meg for dinner...it's thursday
and we try to hang
out every thursday. I felt sort of stupid, but she
knew I had been
crying and I couldn't hide. She's so good, I don't
know what I'll do
when she and Kerry move onto bigger better things
after Kerry finishes
school. I suppose I'll visit them. :) So to conclude
my rambling, we
ended up at Papa John's eating pizza with my mom,
Mary Jo, and Heidi. So
nice...now I sleep.
I will lay down and sleep in peace.