I started my day off hitting the snooze button, the
morning hit me
hard...another sleepless night last night due to my
"imploding" mind as
Lukey put it so fantastically once. My mom's
mentioned a couple of times
that a lack of sleeping is often a common trait of
depression. I'd
prefer to think that I'm just to lazy to handle my
own emotions, or that
this is a faze of oppressive thoughts and will soon
pass. I think it's
mostly due to my anxiety about wanting to stride
forth independantly,
and do the things God has planned for me to do. The
anxiety comes, when
I'm facing my dreams, and suddenly forget why I ever
wanted them.

I had to go to work, and pretend like none of this
exists. Mary Jo was
there for a bit, and I always get a little
distracted by her presence in
the shop. I want to talk when I see her :) I want to
hear her talk
too...and we did a bit of that as I sat pricing
things that she's
setting aside for a yard sale in the spring. It was
sort of slow at the
hot tub store today. It was good, until I let a
completely impatient
customer have rule over my emotion. I wasn't moving
quick enough for
her, while I the only one in the store was trying to
provide good
customer service for her and another person (who was
first). She made me
feel completely insecure, the old me rose up as I
shook with a sense of
failure and fumbled with her change. There was no
time for logical
reasoning, and when she left I was rendered
completely. I managed to
pretend to be alright until I got home, and the
frusteration with myself
could no longer be ignored. I wasn't so upset with
the disgruntled lady,
as I was with the fact that I gave her the power to
ruin my afternoon.
She was only buying a scum bug after all.

I was home broke down, and then let sufjan help me
choke down my tears
while driving to get Meg for dinner...it's thursday
and we try to hang
out every thursday. I felt sort of stupid, but she
knew I had been
crying and I couldn't hide. She's so good, I don't
know what I'll do
when she and Kerry move onto bigger better things
after Kerry finishes
school. I suppose I'll visit them. :) So to conclude
my rambling, we
ended up at Papa John's eating pizza with my mom,
Mary Jo, and Heidi. So
nice...now I sleep.
I will lay down and sleep in peace.