"We've got the church pegged as a corporation. When we think of it that way, it's a lot easier to be cynical of it. It's hard to remember that the church really is Christ's bride...I think about how mad Topher would be, if people were as openly cynical about me, as they are about the church. He'd be in so many fights." - Heather Holt
This is what Haly said to me smiling, as I whined about my confliction with going to church...yeah I went to church today, what's more, it was a church I looked up on Relevant Magazine's website. Yeah.
We arrived kind of early, and I smiled placidly at everyone who came up to us, introducing themselves. Expressing their delight at us visiting them amongst their young project, and the Lord's good work. I felt victorious as I humored them, and Haly tended to Braedon. I say humored, because that's how I feel...I feel okay without anyone talking to me at churches, but I figure I should show them a bit of good will for coming out of their way. (you don't have to tell me how ridiculous that is, I know, oh I know) In between welcoming hand shakes, I kept asking Haly if she was okay, until she finally shot me an annoyed look "why? is there a reason I shouldn't be?" I just told her that I was probably asking because I myself was uncomfortable...i sat through the rest of the service, my innards a squirm, and ocular muscles straining to hold their water. It hit me several times that I was being harsh in my judgement of the people there, that I was being harsh in the judgement of myself as a result...and that I didn't know how to break the habit. I could elaborate on reasonings...things said in the sermon that triggered such behavior, but it's exactly these reasonings I'm trying to get over.
I spilled and smeared my emotions today...and Haly listened, then prayed for me, saying that it was okay I was in this spot. Understanding and relational she was, but she also let me know that she thought I could be in a healthier spot. When she told me that, it was like I was allowed to remove my finger from the hole in the dyke. Maybe I made a hole in the wall, but such relief came in being discovered...guilt released in a spout of realization. I'm not the judge. Of you, of me...especially of Christ's beloved.
I've unloaded so much of my crap on this subject in conversation with friends. on many occasion...I'm sorry for that, but I guess I was just trying to verbally work around my own issue of heart. I also realize that saying all this, writing my relief...won't really change the issue of my disdain, and complaints...it'll be an on going hardship, but at least I know I'm wrong now. And will try to let it go more often...to be humble in more places then on the surface. To realize that the church is not a corporation set out to hurt it's working members. It's not perfect, but who asked it to do anything but try? Apparantly I did. And that just ain't my place.