This little box seems so daunting to me today. I will force myself however, to fill it, if not simply for the sake of interest...I will do it for the sake of discipline. I've not written at all today. A fact that is simply unacceptable. Oh the year of this past week was wonderful. I feel like I'm starting to grasp the concept of God living outside of time. I mean, my perception is still completely humanistic, and I've been convicted on how I've whittled his image down to the cuteness of man in my mind....buttttt....I feel like time is irrelevant to me, or that I'm living in the blink of His eye. Something like that. It's an odd feeling, when really the same emotions exist, but my realization of them is on delay.Kat had to deal with me breaking down in tears last Sunday in a restaurant. All she did was ask how I was doing. I looked at the genuine care in her brown eyes, and said "i'm fine", whilst tears started filling my vision. I can't tell with myself sometimes. I think I was crying mostly, because I had been thinking all day about stuff...and wanted to talk about it, but the topic seemed so hard to just bring up. I was thankful she asked, I wasn't okay, because I needed to talk. She asked again if I really was doing fine, and words fell from my mouth, as quickly as the tears from my face. I told her I felt tired, and that I wasn't really sure why I was crying. She asked me if I missed home, and I answered that I didn't, with great conviction. I miss my family like I do dear friends (only more), I know they are there and they know I'm here, and we'll pick up where we left off again on monday. I know God has me in a new place with purpose and I feel super secure in that. Plus I just like it here. ( I mean I got to see california.) I just can't get over the feeling of uncertainty. The slow process, of waiting, waiting to see what God has planted behind my dreaming muses. I feel like training is on hold, and I'm being told to rest indefinitely...I feel awkward about it. I feel foggy, like I'm copping out, or something. There's no pressure to walk a certain direction. Just to remain consistently in small things. Like maybe, writing everyday, sewing, and calling friends to check up on them. I've been fearful, that my introduction to freedom will lead to self indulgence, but God keeps reminding me that He's bigger than that. He gives freedom so that I can love...with intensity and grace. Not so that I have to look over my shoulder deciding whether or not to run from some imaginary pursuer. I told Kat that I felt like a bad christian, because so much of my heart has changed in the last two years, that I feel so strained about it. She asked me if I still believed in God...and I smiled. "well okay then." she said. She reminded me that they all loved me there, and that she felt it was a good time for me to be there. That my soul isn't wasting away, and shriveling into it's own little cult. It's a season, maybe like fall a little, everything's dying for a purpose. You want to be sad a little bit, for the trees, for the coming winter...but at the same time you're content, and beauty moves to pass in colors rather than fact.