My Birthday Eve

"Ugh...I can't think about it without feeling like I have to puke."
"You're that overwhelmed? *laughs*"
"I just need to go to bed, I have a headache."
"Well rest then it will be your last headache as a teenager, and the first of many as an adult."
"Ugh...goodnight."
"Goodnight doll."

An excerpt from the phone conversation I had with my dad tonight. It made me feel good about myself.

Risk, risk...risky, risque'.

Currently Listening
On My Way to Absence
By Damien Jurado
see related

There's a general theme, or moral to my life...it's that I hardly ever take enough risk. Any applicable lesson I've been given by my friends, family and the big kahuna himself, has confirmed it.

I've let a few relationships go for a lack of bravery in confrontation...so what am I challenged in everytime I come to this Push apprenticeship thing? I am taught to accost my own fears of being mean, and learn to be nicer than I want to be, by telling someone that them eating my last cookie in the pantry, really makes me resent them. I figure out that it's not just about the cookie, but about the few bucks they never gave back to me, or some innocent comment they made about my hair...not realizing how sensitive I am on the subject. Being called Mufasa by middle school boys would do the same to you. The cookie doesn't bother me at all in fact, what bothers me is that they can't read my mind, and I have to tell them I want things.

It's so bad, that when I call my friends on the telephone, I'll tell them I love 'em, and why I called...but unless I'm really comfortable with bossing them around, I won't ask them to call me back. I feel that it's too manipulative or pushy. Doesn't make sense really, because I love that people ask me to call them back.

I'm also of the mind at almost 20 years of age, that if I'm interested in a guy, they must never know it. In some ways I'm completely comfortable with that, and I won't go into detail as to why at the moment, because this will not be a post on my dating habits...or lack there of. If you want we may go there someday, because I think I make for an interesting case. Heh.

What I'm meaning to say is that, all this fear and guilt of my internal being, has something to do with that "Don't judge, lest you be judged" rule. I see things in others, and without saying much, determine never to be them. Creating the opposite extreme, and enslaving myself to my own judgement. It's a complexity that's unwinding as I'm learning more about being vunerable.

I love studying movement and art, so much is raised to the surface without much digging...I wish to eventually expand upon that statement, but you know...I can't now. So I will later

It's always bedtime here.

I'm here, I'm alive...loving on people who's presences in my life are absent more often than not.
Rochester is lovely, and my home on several emotional levels.
I find myself unable to write about much, only because I'm still digesting what is rich, thick and extremely busy.

You wanna know something else? I have mime homework tonight...and I'm procrastinating.
If I weren't so tired, I might write something that would interest you.



Emily and I unite.

Instead of me just making picture posts all the time.

Here's a link...some exciting things are happening, but I have no brains left to type about them.

I did get my nose pierced, and there are some pictures if you're interested...though it's tiny and better if you see it in real life :).

Elena, I'm sorry I don't have brains or phone signal right now. I still do think about you daily though....
Emily you're the bomb.
Robin, call me when your boyfriend gets to your house so that I may have a phone interview with him.
Momma, for the the permanent record you are lovely...and I miss you so much.
Poppa too...you have french press coming your way.
Isaiah you're the love of my life.
Joe, I can't wait until you and I meet again soon.
Sara Turner, I miss your sweet giggle.
Niah...I miss our self entertaining nights at the park.

Everyone else...you should call me so that I know your exist ;) hah...just kidding. I miss everyone, I really do. Life feels disconnected to me right now. I'm trying my best.

Some Pictures...compliments of Kathlene Smith

The Rockies...uh...talk about ripping my heart out.




Corn Hole fun...





Kat in the caves at the City Museum in St. Louis. Way fun.





In other boringly stated news, I accomplished my dream of white water rafting yesterday. Drew, Xach, Ryan and I all went, and guess who didn't fall out? Me...that's right. The youth leader behind me did though, which was exciting to watch. I made up my mind not to fall out when we got into the boat with our cute instructor, there weren't no way I was going to let him lift my body out the water. In case you haven't heard I'm not one to make a spectacle out of myself...at least I hope not to, that doesn't always work out the way I plan though. Anyway - it was way fun, and far less scary than I expected. I'll do it everyday when I move to Boulder :) hah.

Taking a hike, or scaling a mountain.

So yes, I'm in Estes Park, Colorado, and the confession is that I'm not quite sure I want to leave. I just woke up from a short nap, and opened my eyes to marvelous light coming through a window into a spectacular view of the mountains. Everyone else is out hiking today...which is what I pictured myself doing whenever I thought of this mountain top experience. I however, could not shake my tiredness, and the altitude stole all my wind in the semi long distance climb from the main auditorium and the lodge that we're staying in, so I thought, I might take an hour or two and just be by myself...the funny thing about me is that, whenever I'm not busy, I complain that I want to be. And then, whenever I am busy, I enjoy it - until all of the sudden I'm drained of all energy, and just want to be left alone.

I'm quite sure this is normal, but being a woman of extremes, I feel there is need for me to find some balance. Part of that needs to happen through me just setting aside a few moments to breathe in. I have this idea, that if I can work on that...and perhaps conquer it to a certain extent, everything else that I've ever worried about will just fall into place. Or maybe I'll just quit worrying.
I've been thinking a lot about the things I fear, why I fear them, and all else surrounding that topic. I've also been getting frustrated with the way I mostly feel everything, rather then comprehend through logic, or rational thinking. No one's ever given me crap for that, it's just that I think that I need to understand more, and stop communicating my ideas with a lot of "I just feel like" 's.
I've been reading and hearing some things of late, that contradict my way of thinking about understanding. I'm learning that the cosmos does not still or cease to function properly, if I'm ignorant of it's operation. Same thing goes for everything I worry about in my spiritual walk, none of that is, or should be balanced by the weight of my interpretation. I would take care, do very well too, if I could just admire God in all his glory...and stop trying to maintain independantly my cheap imitation of his knowledge.

A little while ago, my friend Drew was explaining the concept of archetypes to me...I felt myself getting irritated and frustrated as he told me that none of my ideas are original. I told him that and he said it was alright, that it's not my job to be original or create anything new. I said that I didn't like that either...and he said that was alright too, because if I came up with anything new to say about life it would be God's understanding speaking through me, anyway...still not my own idea or thought. Upon hearing that, my heart softened and my whole concept of living creatively cracked.

Basically I think I'm struggling with change. I also know that these sorts of lessons are learned on several different levels, and will eventually have to penetrate all of me. Which takes a very long time...but I don't have to get all riled up about that now, do I? The world will keep it's function, and I will keep learning without trying to teach myself. Because God's crazy like that, and these mountains up here somehow prove it to me. Don't ask me to prove it to you though...I'll stutter, and maybe cry.

Day Two

Day two of my summer travels...

I've learned at least two things, and I will try my best to share them with you, though I'll admit to being distracted. It seems I can only really make sense when all my energy and mind, and sometimes body is devoted to completing a thought.

St. Louis is a city for lovers...had the best time there yesterday at the City Museum...petting sharks (one finger skiddish taps really), crawling in wire cages through the buliding rafters, and exploring dark-critter-free caverns, I even blew nine dollars on lunch.

There was a second thing that I've suddenly forgotten.

Today we're in Olathe, KS visiting the Funk house...I love the kids, I just love em. I'll leave you with a quote.

" Eat my words, or my dust, whichever you can catch first." - The Naturally Beautiful Grace