Currently Listening
On My Way to Absence
By Damien Jurado
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There's a general theme, or moral to my life...it's that I hardly ever take enough risk. Any applicable lesson I've been given by my friends, family and the big kahuna himself, has confirmed it.
I've let a few relationships go for a lack of bravery in confrontation...so what am I challenged in everytime I come to this Push apprenticeship thing? I am taught to accost my own fears of being mean, and learn to be nicer than I want to be, by telling someone that them eating my last cookie in the pantry, really makes me resent them. I figure out that it's not just about the cookie, but about the few bucks they never gave back to me, or some innocent comment they made about my hair...not realizing how sensitive I am on the subject. Being called Mufasa by middle school boys would do the same to you. The cookie doesn't bother me at all in fact, what bothers me is that they can't read my mind, and I have to tell them I want things.
It's so bad, that when I call my friends on the telephone, I'll tell them I love 'em, and why I called...but unless I'm really comfortable with bossing them around, I won't ask them to call me back. I feel that it's too manipulative or pushy. Doesn't make sense really, because I love that people ask me to call them back.
I'm also of the mind at almost 20 years of age, that if I'm interested in a guy, they must never know it. In some ways I'm completely comfortable with that, and I won't go into detail as to why at the moment, because this will not be a post on my dating habits...or lack there of. If you want we may go there someday, because I think I make for an interesting case. Heh.
What I'm meaning to say is that, all this fear and guilt of my internal being, has something to do with that "Don't judge, lest you be judged" rule. I see things in others, and without saying much, determine never to be them. Creating the opposite extreme, and enslaving myself to my own judgement. It's a complexity that's unwinding as I'm learning more about being vunerable.
I love studying movement and art, so much is raised to the surface without much digging...I wish to eventually expand upon that statement, but you know...I can't now. So I will later
