So yes, I'm in Estes Park, Colorado, and the confession is that I'm not quite sure I want to leave. I just woke up from a short nap, and opened my eyes to marvelous light coming through a window into a spectacular view of the mountains. Everyone else is out hiking today...which is what I pictured myself doing whenever I thought of this mountain top experience. I however, could not shake my tiredness, and the altitude stole all my wind in the semi long distance climb from the main auditorium and the lodge that we're staying in, so I thought, I might take an hour or two and just be by myself...the funny thing about me is that, whenever I'm not busy, I complain that I want to be. And then, whenever I am busy, I enjoy it - until all of the sudden I'm drained of all energy, and just want to be left alone.
I'm quite sure this is normal, but being a woman of extremes, I feel there is need for me to find some balance. Part of that needs to happen through me just setting aside a few moments to breathe in. I have this idea, that if I can work on that...and perhaps conquer it to a certain extent, everything else that I've ever worried about will just fall into place. Or maybe I'll just quit worrying.
I've been thinking a lot about the things I fear, why I fear them, and all else surrounding that topic. I've also been getting frustrated with the way I mostly feel everything, rather then comprehend through logic, or rational thinking. No one's ever given me crap for that, it's just that I think that I need to understand more, and stop communicating my ideas with a lot of "I just feel like" 's.
I've been reading and hearing some things of late, that contradict my way of thinking about understanding. I'm learning that the cosmos does not still or cease to function properly, if I'm ignorant of it's operation. Same thing goes for everything I worry about in my spiritual walk, none of that is, or should be balanced by the weight of my interpretation. I would take care, do very well too, if I could just admire God in all his glory...and stop trying to maintain independantly my cheap imitation of his knowledge.
A little while ago, my friend Drew was explaining the concept of archetypes to me...I felt myself getting irritated and frustrated as he told me that none of my ideas are original. I told him that and he said it was alright, that it's not my job to be original or create anything new. I said that I didn't like that either...and he said that was alright too, because if I came up with anything new to say about life it would be God's understanding speaking through me, anyway...still not my own idea or thought. Upon hearing that, my heart softened and my whole concept of living creatively cracked.
Basically I think I'm struggling with change. I also know that these sorts of lessons are learned on several different levels, and will eventually have to penetrate all of me. Which takes a very long time...but I don't have to get all riled up about that now, do I? The world will keep it's function, and I will keep learning without trying to teach myself. Because God's crazy like that, and these mountains up here somehow prove it to me. Don't ask me to prove it to you though...I'll stutter, and maybe cry.
