Looking at my site makes me feel like a dork...have you noticed a certain theme? I am a simulated tree folks. A simulated tree.But if the first boy you liked smelled like a wet maple tree, and you've read Annie Dillard's - A Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. Well...you'd understand then wouldn't you? The boy's name was Sam if anyone cares. I never told him what he smelled like. I never knew it while I knew him either...it was after things didn't work out that I connected the two scents. I was riding my bike downtown to meet friend Meg, and it began to rain...wet leaves stuck to my thin rimmed tires, and I smelled him. I realized the moist sweet mustyness was the thing that reminded me of him. Crazy eh? They really should bottle that scent.I woke up at 9:45 today...and as I leisurely walked about eating my honey puffs, my brother looked at the work schedule hanging on our fridge and announced to me that I was scheduled to work at 10. I swore and said that I simply wouldn't go. My mom looked at me like I was crazy, and she was right...I felt really childish after saying that, but I woke up with such inspiration to clean out my room today, and the idea of cancelling such motivation was unbearable. I let my boss know that I'd be late...and got in the shower then started crying a little. My attitude sucked, and I didn't want it to be any other way...I talked to a friend about this last week. He was talking about the times of depression in his life and how it's like sinking in the ocean, but he instead of struggling to swim to the surface will dive deeper and swim below. I've been doing that with so much lately...guilt gets to me, like about the way I don't study God's word, or pray for anyone but myself...or really even pray in depth at all. So instead of trying to do better...or something I just sit in it, and sometimes dig deeper for reasons I should feel ashamed.So I prayed this morning in the shower...yeah usually I tell myself that's sick. I just figured though that God doesn't pay attention to my clothes when I wear them anyhow. I have no obligation to stay mucked up. No obligation to those shitty thoughts. So I won't feel guilty for any of it any more. And I will continue to pray for insight to overcome my apathy with hope...Oh yeah...and because I worked today I have Saturday off. So I'll be dragging my dad with me to see Over The Rhine at the Cornerstone Fest. He was pretty obliging...since he's the only one in my family who's not seen them live. I'm excited... Soon I'll be turning 19 and these Father/Daughter outings will lessen...er something like that. I'm so spacey...I should stop now