I'm listening to the weather report. It's better
than watching divorce
court. Apparantly no one cares about maintaining
their hot tub during
these winter months. co-worker John told me that he
didn't even turn the
cash register on until 2 'o clock yesterday
afternoon. Yeah that's how
slow it is, and I have contentment issues. All I can
think about is the
billion other places I'd like to be, the trillion
other things I could
be accomplishing. I'm getting a glimpse of what
could be me 30 years
from now if I never do anything I want all in the
name of
practicality...I'll be 48 having a slow day at work
(some secure job
with good benefits...) and wallowing in regrets.
I'll have none of it.

I think my mental tangents are due to a lack of
rest...I had horrible
dreams all night, and after a particularly menacing
one, I woke up to
soft noises in the kitchen. It was 4 am, and who
ever was, did not want
to be heard. All the rustling was caused by a slip
of the foot or some
other clumsy mistake...my heart pounding, I tried to
work through the
fog of dreams and hazed reality...of course it was
nothing...maybe
nothing. I kind of stiffened when I thought of
sneaking out of my creaky
loft bed, grabbing my cell phone, and making a mad
dash for the stairs (
causing me to cross the kitchen ). I didn't move for
a long time...when
I talked myself into bravery, and made the sneaky
trek upstairs, no one
was in the kitchen, but I thought they could've been
downstairs by then.
I got to my parents room, after checking to see that
Niah and Isaiah
were safe....and I found my mom asleep alone.
Relief...my dad was up. I
went back to bed a bit perturbed with him....I knew
he was simply struck
by motivation. When next I woke up, it was 8 am. I
went to the basement
to see what he'd been doing. He's working on a
sitting room down there
complete with sleeper sofa, and he sorted mounds of
laundry. It's
looking darn good, and I'm inspired by his passion.
Motivation is a
funny thing. I'd rather it leave my sleep alone from
now on, but at the
same time...I'm sick of the way I've been ignoring
the call. Mostly in
the area of consistancy. I am motivated only by the
large picture, not
the intimate details of painting it.